Fighting through the blockade (photo. Matt Brown)

It’s not the Suns’ gorilla mascot boosting up off of a trampoline high enough to slam a ball down through the rim. It’s a full-contact, sky-high hoop/football hybrid on a 100-by-60 foot court with enough testosterone to make Jose Canseco blush. If you haven’t already heard about Slamball, get a glimpse at Slamball.net of the high-octane trampoline game that’s coming back for a third season. With the fiery former 76ers GM Pat Croce as the commissioner, the league called on former college and professional athletes to three locations around the country this week to test their wares against a bunch of angry bodybuilders with blocking pads.

When we got word of this at Dime, e-mails flew around the office about the possibility of one of us showing up at the Aviator sportsplex in Brooklyn, NY. After some serious lobbying, and the promise to give up spicy chicken empanadas until the date of the tryout, I got the nod to represent the mag. Even though my background doesn’t include college or professional athletics, my years as a swimming pool basketball virtuoso suffices as equally sound training. The diet was tough, but for the most part, I stuck to it. And I made sure to add some leg exercises into my workout instead of the strict regiment of beach muscles in anticipation of judgment day.

That day was today. I showed up at Aviator at 9AM with about 150 other guys pursuing the pipe dream. Right off the bat, you could tell some dudes played. There was a guy who wasn’t missing much who was a Saint Louis Billiken (he didn’t know what that meant either). What guys generally lacked in skill, they easily made up for in athleticism. It started as you’d expect a Slamball tryout to begin. As a bunch of guys huddled around baskets shooting jumpers, you didn’t see too many dropping through. But you did see guys lobbing the ball off the backboard to themselves and cramming no matter who stood beneath them.

Finally my turn came around to run through the first drill. 3-6 on the jumpers. Not bad if I were shooting with someone in my face. But, iffy for an open gym.

So I bided my time and stayed loose in anticipation of the major test of the morning - a wild obstacle course requiring players to showcase their handle around some cones before finishing at the rim with your left and right hand. Immediately after, you had to take off for a series of successive sprints and defensive slides. No time to catch your breath, as you then shuffle laterally before taking on one of those angry guys with a big blocking pad I mentioned earlier. Hit him, then sink two jumpers, then run through 10 hurdles. Not done yet - then sprint down the length of the sideline where two guys with pads looked to knock you on your ass while you’re dribbling, and after finally converting another lay-up, run another 100-foot sprint to the finish line.

I’m tired from typing all of that. When standing and watching about 75 people go one-by-one in front of me, 25% of whom were pancaked by the offensive linemen, I was sufficiently ready. By ready I mean nervous. But once you get going, you forget about that. I (thankfully) hit the lay-ups, and ran hard through the sprints/slides section. With someone screaming “Psycho T” to encourage me (slight resemblance), I popped Orlando Pace. That was really all I wanted to do. He might have said something about “good lick,” but I also might have been imagining. The two jumpers didn’t go as well, but I was getting refocused for the second set of blockers, who I took on admirably. As my legs turned into jelly, I spun the last lay-up in and finished strong.

Gasping for air, Commish Croce and John Starks told me that I’d be making it to the next round in Florida! When I caught my breath, Croce told me that he wanted to see a writer dunk, block shots and knock someone over in round two. That might have been more exciting than actually getting the invite. Imagine if Croce had that same inspiring conversation with Allen Iverson in Philly. We’ll have the chance to do much more talking down at IMG Academy in Bradenton, Florida 7:30 AM Friday morning.