The Ballplayer Hater’s Ball
“Hate-hate-hate-hate-hate!!”LOS ANGELES, Winter 2008
(In the original Magic Johnson Theater multiplex in Crenshaw, a crowd apparently heavy with L.A. Lakers fans and general haters has convened for the 2008 Ballplayer Hater’s Ball. Toward the tail-end of an eventful night in which the likes of Terrell Owens, Oscar De La Hoya, Alex Rodriguez and Tyler Hansbrough have been honored, it’s time for the “Most Hated-On” award in the “NBA” division. Coming to the stage to a round of boos are presenters Anthony Peeler and Rick Rickert.)
Peeler: I’d like to welcome all you bitter, salty, mad-at-nothing Laker fans, short and fat non-athletes, followers of Lottery teams, critics, complainers, hypocrites, headline-chasers, fake-ass YouTube producers, and disgruntled bloggers especially, to the 2008 Ballplayer Hater’s Ball.
(An unseen voice from the crowd shouts: “Man, y’all are corny!”)
Peeler: The next person who says something is getting elbowed in the throat.
(In another part of the building, Kevin Garnett has just made his entrance, wearing a white dress shirt under a Bill Cosby sweater, jeans, adidas Superstars, and diamonds in both earlobes the size of Jermaine Dupri.)
(Flanked by what looks like security detail but is really just Leon Powe, Big Baby Davis and Patrick O’Bryant, KG stops upon seeing Jerryd Bayless, Jose Calderon and Lamar Odom leaning against an open bar.)
Garnett: Well, well, well. Looks like some of my previous work. (Turns his attention to Odom) L.O., what can I say about you that hasn’t already been said by Phil Jackson? Did you get your piss-stained shorts back from the Finals yet? (KG turns to Calderon) And of course, Jose Calderon, one of the so-called best point guards in the world. Why don’t I give you a round of applause while you get another coach fired. The only way you’re making the All-Star Game is if you go in Chris Bosh’s Louis bag. (Turns to Bayless and simply barks in his face as the rookie’s lower lip quivers.) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take my throne, ’cause I’m a shoo-in (pauses to pop the green rubber band on his wrist) for “Most Hated-On.”
(Back to the stage, as Peeler and Rickert begin the presentation.)
Maybe next year…Rickert: So without further ado, let me give you the nominations for Most Hated-On NBA Dude of the Year. First up … Kobe Bryant. (One-fourth of the L.A. crowd boos, while the remaining 75% is caught up in a wave of girlish shrieks.) Kobe is nominated for scoring 81 points in one game, for scoring 62 in three quarters, but passing the ball about as often as Eddy Curry passes up a five-dollar foot-long. The next nominee is … Tony Parker. He is nominated for winning three ‘chips on a boring team, having a fine and unattainable wife, trying to rap love songs on techno beats, and just for his general French-ness. The next nominee … Yao Ming, a.k.a. “Soft Serve.” And the fourth nominee … The WNBA.
And finally, the one and only … Kevin Garnett. KG is nominated for picking on little point guards, cussing out benchwarming rookies, making 300-pounders cry, and acting the exact same way he’s been acting for 12 years, but doing it AFTER he won a ring. DAMN, THAT’S HATE-WORTHY!
(The crowd continues to boo Garnett, who is standing in a corner having an intimate discussion with a wall.)
Peeler: And the winner of the ‘08 Most Hated-On NBA Dude award is … Kevin Garnett!
(The crowd erupts in boos and catcalls, as Parker is shown with a “What did I do?” look on his face with his hands upturned, and Kobe wears a s***-eating grin. Yao may or may not be asleep with his eyes open. As KG takes the stage, Calderon shouts, “KG’s earrings is made out of 100 percent wack rapper!”)
Garnett: That of course was Jose Calderon talking. On the weekends, Jose takes the Atlantic Division standings and turns them upside-down, so he’ll finally be ahead of me.
First off, I’d like to thank Danny Ainge, for bringing me to Boston and giving everyone their only good reason to hate on me. Then I wanna thank Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, for helping me win 66 games last year and getting everyone on our collective d***, and of course I wanna thank Kobe and his Lakers for giving me my first championship so easily. Next I wanna thank the national media for amplifying my so-called ‘antics,’ the same s*** I did in Minnesota for a dozen years in front of 215 League Pass viewers a night, but now I get to do on national TV twice a week.
Finally I wanna thank the so-called fans, the ones who loved me like none other and praised my intensity and passion, and now that I got a ring, think I should change and start acting like a skinny Tim Duncan, or a taller Shane Battier all of a sudden. And as I sip my Gatorade that I’m sure somebody spit in, I just would like to say to all of you — kiss my ass, you rotten muthaf******. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go home and watch myself sit on top of the world again, back when the hating first started. Good evening!
(Garnett strides backstage as we fade to commercial…)
December 12th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
JCARR says:
GREAT Article… ahhaahha that should be a childrens story!!! Never laughed that much about bball in my life. KG sounds like he wants to be hated on in the article.
“…81 points in one game, for scoring 62 in three quarters, but passing the ball about as often as Eddy Curry passes up a five-dollar foot-long.” hahahahahahahaha toooo funny.
“(The crowd continues to boo Garnett, who is standing in a corner having an intimate discussion with a wall.)” hahaha he probably does do that.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
VINNY says:
Very creative AB-well done.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Jeffrey says:
BY FAR, The Greatest post i’ve ever read on Dime. Austin, You’ve done it again
December 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Promoman says:
The funniest part is Anthony Peeler & Rick Rickert. We all know that KG damn near got his block knocked off by Peeler. KG had a temper tantrum when Rick Rickert was destroying him during a Timberwolves summer camp a couple of years ago.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
srb says:
This is like a Bill Simmons article but better. Also this is how long Bill’s colums SHOULD be. But instead, ESPN must pay him by the inch. Journalism seems to be moving toward a short, sweet and tight mindset, but Bill is resisting.
Austin, on the other hand, is clear and concise and the ponit of his posts/stories is usually mentioned in the first few grafs.
(Good job, that was a pleasant read, a surprise.)
December 12th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Cdouble says:
I don’t know about it being Very creative…it’s just the Playa Haters Ball from Chappelle’s show.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Jim says:
Nice Austin, well written and funny. You have to flex your chops sometimes.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Austin Burton says:
@Cdouble — I couldn’t find a spot to replicate the Rosie O’Donnell joke.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Heckler says:
is this the type of junk you put together in your spare time?
and they pay you for this crap?
i know you tried to paint a picture here with your words…but you need to proof read your own entries as an associate editor of some sort.
re-read this whole entry. And then try to convince yourself its anything other than crap shit
December 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Ian says:
austin
best post on dime
LOL on the parker being hated on because of his general french ness.
i still dont get why americans hate arod (second best player in the majors)
well hes being hated a bit now here in dr also. hes a rich douche but comon the man can play some serious ball.
and yes garnetts anticlutch ass should thank pierce and allen
December 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
JCARR says:
@heckler
why you hating? The reason for this site is to read articles… have a sense of humor.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
VINNY says:
@ian- NOBODY is more anticlutch than A-rod, and i’m a yankee fan!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Kevin says:
Great post Austin!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Silky Johnson says:
Dime needs more articles like this. I do however detect a subtle anger in AB. Seems like he’s trying to stand up for KG being a D-bag while masking it with some solid humour.
And remember, Rosie O’Donnell wears underwear with dick-holes in ‘em.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Ian says:
vinny
sorry cant have this discussion with a yankee fan
u guys are blinddd with jeter the most overrated athlete ever.
if that dude played for kansas no one would know him but no since he played with tino oneill (fav player ever btw) boggs bernie a bunch of awesome pitchers hes great now. NO man fuck that this is baseball one player doesnt fuck a team up nor carries it like in basketball. arod does in one season what jeter does in ten years combined. clutch in baseball i dont buy that much oh u hit a game ending hr nice but tell me if its not better to hit it in the first??? your pitcher has a lead hes more relaxed and pitchers better no lets give the credit to the dude that is 0-3 and hits a single in the 9th man fuck that. hes not fuckin pujols that hits .900 sure but arod is by far the best player in the AL.
sorry i get i little worked up when talkin jeter and arod.
bte 2 seasons ago ortix hit 23 game tyin or winning hits the man the considered the best clutch player arod got 26 the same seasons but u know most spoiled yankee fans only see the negatives the yankeed didnt make the playoffs now imagine how much more they fall without arod. switch arod for jeter in the 90s and trust me u still win every season (except the oakland series that he made that weird relay).
December 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Ric Hardwood says:
Funny article… I could just imagine KG doing the “Charlie Murphy Swagger-shake”… lol
December 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
the scola says:
As KG takes the stage, Calderon shouts, “KG’s earrings is made out of 100 percent wack rapper!”
simply amazing…but yes this is just chappelles show, player haters ball.
CLAP FOR ME BITCH!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Ian says:
again sorry lol its just that i remember the fat guy from pti sayin jeter was way better than arod because he CARRIED the yanks to 4 titles thats bs
December 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Drink the Haterade (KB24 Chip 09) says:
Then I wanna thank Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, for helping me win 66 games last year and getting everyone on our collective d***
that’s so true!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
justice(knicks fan) says:
Arod is a p***sy ian, we don’t like tolerate that shytt up here, we’d rather have a career loser that gives his all with little talent like oakley,starks,anthony (can’t think of a baseball player to compare) rather than have a talented guy that bitches up…
December 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
P_Dizzle says:
Good job Austin, maybe you can get Aron to write a decent piece other than to just try and get comments by saying ridiculous stuff.
Very entertaining and I can picture it playing out just like you described.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
northern lights says:
this is some funny ish AB…
Garnett “standing in a corner having an intimate discussion with a wall…” ahahaha…
Made my day..
and @ heckler … you’re the only guy posting who didn’t like the article, so just chill out, re-read it, and have a fucking laugh
December 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
justice(knicks fan) says:
Guys that would be fan favorites in NY besides lebron(kobe,Wade or any other top 10 baller) top 5 in b-ball
1.Allen Iverson
2.Ron Artest
3.Bruce Bowen
4.Antwan Jamison
5.Kevin love
December 12th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Chaos says:
LMAO!!!!!! that was perfect! AB, your best work ever!
Garnett can never have enough hate on him! But why Anthony Peeler and Rick Rickert?! why not anthony mason?
and yes we know its from chappelle…Big surprise!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Ian says:
justice hes a douche not a pussy
pussies dont hit 50 bombs drive in 130 runs on off years my man
he gonna retire the all time hr leader and the best ss and 3b ever
douche yes pussy no
hell he says hes dominican but im the allstar games and shit u know when our guys break out the flag and are having fun arod is in a corner quiet wearing a suit people here dont like him because of that but thats not being a pussy hes being a dbag
December 12th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Big Shot BOB says:
Nice job Ab…Yes someone finally says it. To all you KG haters out there…shut the fuck up!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
JC says:
(applause) great interpretation Austin. Very enjoyable.
December 12th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
KEvoHighflyr says:
creative how u turned it around but yea definitely from Chappelles Show
December 12th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
it ain't easy being green says:
This is why I read dime. Keep it up Austin. Best article in a while
December 12th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
GEE...I tired says:
Nice one AB! Enjoyed the read.
December 12th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Big Sia says:
BUCK NASTY = RICKY DAVIS
LOL this is amazing
December 12th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
ldawg23 says:
KG has always been a fake soldier . Ron Ron said it best, KG backs down in the clutch or when things dont go right. I forget in what article it was, but it was ESPN the Mag….They were doing a courtside interview with Ron Ron…He said he loved KG but he’s not a true warrior…Can ANYONE tell me the last time KG barked at someone NOT on his team, or smaller than him….I’LL WAIT….
December 12th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Raj S says:
Thank you so much for this one. It’s very funny, and it is a great attempt to balance out all the hatred you have been fostering against KG since the season started.
I don’t mean to take a more serious note, but the phrase, “Yao may or may not be asleep with his eyes open,” is very politically incorrect and has the potential to offend many Asians (no, I’m not Asian).
(see http://www.asian-nation.org/images/spain-gesture.jpg)
December 12th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Celts Fan says:
@Ian, do pussies let their wives call them out on TV shows and wear purple lipstick? ARod’s a bitch that couldn’t be less clutch.
Jeter on the other hand, is not “one of hte most overrated athletes ever” (except fielding, he shouldn’t have any Gold Gloves.) That guy is the definition of clutch in baseball. He has KILLED us so many fuckin times over the years. When you need a big hit and that guy’s up, he will deliver. Ask the 5 baseball fans in Arizona how good he is. He kept NYY in that Series til BY Kim blew it. I fuckin hate the guy, but dude is LEGIT. It’s not always about #s. That guy just has that “it.” Hopefully next year someone knocks it off him w/ a fastball to the dome…
btw, GREAT article Austin. Laughed my ass off.
December 12th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Austin Burton says:
@Raj — I didn’t mean to offend or refer to anything regarding Yao’s ethnicity. I was instead referring to the allegation that Yao often seems disinterested and not passionate for the game.
December 12th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Celts Fan says:
@LDawg, how bout Zaza?
December 12th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
ldawg23 says:
@Celts Fan
Zaza gets punked by kids when he buys ice cream, from the ice cream man….When was the last time KG stepped up to a STAR player, and not just a few words…I mean stepped up.
Andrew Bogut (no offense but not yet all-NBA), Mark Pope, Joel Przybilla, Rick Rickert (in a summer pickup game), Wally Szczerbiak, Francisco Elson, Tyrone Nesby, Anthony Peeler. The list doesn’t exactly read like an All-Star roster,
December 12th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Three Stacks says:
Great article. Felt like I was watching the Chappelle skit all over again.
On the weekends, Heckler does stunts for Little Richard in gay movies.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
V says:
LOL jokes but iverson should of been a nominee that man gets nuff haters
December 12th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Vinny says:
Nice Three Stacks, lol!
December 12th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
junior says:
lol funny
very creative
but im pretty sure KG didnt get on his knees and bark at rookies before his ring.
yea hes always had that intensity but hes just gotten more of an ego. like theres no slow down switch now that hes gotten his ring.
maybe thats why theyre doing so well
December 12th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Trevor says:
Nice. Just like the Chappelle Show episode. Player Haters Ball.
December 12th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Austin Burton says:
@junior — I saw KG do the crawling thing at MSG last year against the Knicks. You could say he never did it before he was on a truly great team, but he did do it pre-championship.
December 12th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
K Dizzle says:
LMAO!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Gary says:
He did the clapping in PGs face with Nash in the playoffs when Nash was with the Mavs . . . wtf is up with people!?!?!?!
December 13th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Jeffco says:
damn i love this article
December 13th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Kudabeen says:
Very Nice too bring back a classic sketch with the best possible twist in having it have a basketball theme. All things are more interesting when they are associated with BBall. Good Stuff Austin…
Dime may be able to win some “Most Hated On” awards with all these haters criticizing ever little thing…Keep it coming…
December 13th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Celts Fan says:
@LDawg, he doesn’t do that to All Stars cuz most of those guys like and respect KG (or are just boys w/ him) for all he’s done and his loyalty. Last year he won, BY A WIDE MARGIN, an SI poll of NBA players who they’d like to see get a ring if they couldn’t. Your boys don’t fuck w/ you like that and they know you too well to let it get to them. It’s a mental game so you don’t do it to someone that’s just gonna laugh at you and ask what you’re doing after the game. Real men just ignore it and walk away (Sergio Rodriguez) its’ not like they on the streets and got anything to actually worry about if they turn around. It’s not the classiest thing ever, but you do what you gotta do to win. The rules are being bent, but not broken. and BTW, anyone that’s actually paid attention for the past decade knows he been doing this shit most of his career, it’s nothing new.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Dank says:
you guys just grabbed the chappelle’s show players haters skit and changed a few words and characters. congratulations! as original as garnett’s antics
December 14th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
2 Easy says:
Turns the atlantic division upside down so he can be ahead of me aahahahahahha thats just great writing. I only wish this was acted out so I cud watch the hilarity too. Damn AB u shuda wrote for Chappelle lmao
December 15th, 2008 at 6:57 am
M Intellect says:
Shout to Austin.
The turning the standings upside down was so funny.
I don’t know if you have something like this stateside but I think you should pitch this to media group as a column in weekly pull-out or something.