Andrew Bynum Needs to Be a Motherf*cker
Andrew Bynum (photo. Jeff Forney)
If I apologized for cussing in the title of this post, I would be disqualified immediately from being in the running as a motherf*cker. So I’m not going to say that I’m sorry. Motherf*ckers don’t apologize. They don’t have time for that sh*t – they’re too busy making your life a living hell.
Kobe Bryant is a motherf*cker. When he told us in Dime #39 that “you either gotta be on the train or get run over by the train” with an eye pointed towards the immediacy of Andrew Bynum’s development, the rest of the basketball world came to see Bryant as such. KB’s no-frills demand resonated with his squad, as his motherf*cker stance righted L.A.’s ship from apparent dysfunction to a trip to the NBA Finals.
While Bryant’s strong-worded sentiment brought the best out in his teammates at times, it has yet to do something far more important. To bring out the worst. If the Lakers are going to win a championship, they need someone else on this team to join Kobe in motherf*cker brotherhood. And after last night’s loss to Houston, it’s clear that the player needs to be Andrew Bynum.
Instead of watching Aaron Brooks fly to the basket, Bynum needed to rotate off of Yao and protect his basket. Instead of letting Yao get position and then sink turn-around J’s aplenty, Bynum needed to make Yao hate every trip to the block. But he let Yao drop in buckets, and then put his head down and sauntered back down to the other end. No wonder why Phil Jackson only played him for 15 minutes, bringing his average in the last four games up to 10.2 minutes per night.
Every championship team has a motherf*cker. Seriously, every g*ddamn one. Kevin Garnett is a posterboy for motherf*ckers everywhere. Last year, he was even more so than he has been this go-around. The floor-slapping and barking comes off like an act. It takes away from the times when he’s got a real reason to puff his chest out and scream, what is coincidentally his favorite word in the English language, “motherf*cker!” During San Antonio’s championship run, Bruce Bowen went to sleep at night smiling about how he made everyone else’s life more awful when he was around. He was a motherf*cker. (Note: He isn’t anymore. Maybe it’s that he’s heard people insult him for all these years and it’s finally taken a toll on him. Or it could also be that he’s 37 years old now.)
This mentality has nothing to do with trying to hurt anyone else – it’s simply a matter of exacting your will on the opposition. A motherf*cker’s ultimate goal isn’t just to block a shot into the third row or steal the ball from someone in the backcourt. It’s to live in your man’s head.
The Sixers haven’t had a motherf*cker since George Lynch. As Pat affectionately recalled to me a little while ago, “Lynch Mob” relished the opportunity to stop other people from doing something that they wanted. In fact, that Philly team was filled with motherf*ckers, who all seemed to enjoy taking something away from another person in a borderline sick way. Aaron McKie, Allen Iverson, Eric Snow, Tyrone Hill, Dikembe Mutombo, Raja Bell, Theo Ratliff – all those guys. I’d throw Reggie Miller’s Pacers in that group too. Dale Davis, Jeff Foster, Derrick McKey, Antonio Davis, Mark Jackson – maybe even Rik Smits on a good day.
Right now, I feel blessed to say that there is a team still alive in the playoffs choc full of these assh*les. There’s nothing better than watching a group of them play together – not just because guys who all have a similar mentality seem to play better together – but because they feed off of each other’s twisted enjoyment of pissing other people off. It’s obviously Denver. Birdman is the unquestioned leader, zooming around the court to try and block every shot that goes up, and diving after every ball that he sets his eyes on. Kenyon Martin might not be at the level that he once was, but he still counts. It feels like every time Martin’s name pops up in the mainstream media it’s because he’s being a motherf*cker: at the end of the regular season, he threw Spencer Hawes to the ground, and then told Joe Maloof that he could a) kiss his ass and b) that he wasn’t going to apologize to him (see!). And just yesterday, he was fined $25,000 for throwing Dirk to the ground during the first quarter of Game 1. J.R. Smith’s 11 three-point firestorm against Sacramento at the end of the year was a classic motherf*cker move. After beating the Kings into a pulp, he kept shooting with complete disregard for their pride.
The only guy on this team who could challenge Birdman as the consummate motherf*cker is Anthony Carter. He went undrafted, but made it to the League because he was tougher than everyone who he was playing against on the playground. And those guys are a bunch of tough motherf*ckers.
Joakim Noah is an aspiring motherf*cker. He isn’t quite there yet. But the mangy hair and ugly sideburns help his cause. On the flip side, Anderson Varejao would be a consensus motherf*cker if he cut that stupid mop. It looks too much like Sideshow Bob, and no one has ever said “motherf*cker” and “Sideshow Bob” in the same sentence before now. Mickael Pietrus should be a motherf*cker – he has the athleticism and the years of being doubted/hated on to do so.
If Bynum stepped up and stopped smiling like Tracy Morgan on cable access television, it would do wonders for L.A.’s defense. Neither Pau nor Josh Powell can physically match Yao. If the Lakers are going to make it through Houston, and then make it to the Promised Land, AB needs to enter into motherf*cker immortality.
May 5th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Mark says:
AWESOME. Good write up. Bring it Bynum!!!
May 5th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
dmitry of jersey says:
not that I disagree about Varejao’s hair looking dumb, but if the Simpsons were on HBO I think we would have heard “Sideshow Bob” and “motherfucker” in the same sentence from Bart many times over.
that said, excellent article. you are spot on – if Bynum grows some balls the Lakers take out Houston no problem.
May 5th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
NTstateOFmind says:
they do have another- and his name is Sasha Vujacic
….gotdamn i hate that Motherf*cker
May 5th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
calvin brodus says:
holy mutherfuckin shit. the mutherfuckin nuggs got a mention on the dime site outside of the obligated smack write up. i cant mutherfuckin believe it. mutherfucker.
May 5th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Deez says:
The 90s Knicks were THE ‘motherf*cker’ team, for real.
May 5th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Scott says:
Bynum needs the fire he had before he got injured. That ‘No one gets through my lane without getting BEAT’ fire. He needs to be a 90s era big man of a motherf*cker.
May 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
smoove chips says:
Katz,you couldnt have been more on point if you tried.someone brought that artest outta you.tupac n the spliff’s a mean combo cuz lol !
“If Bynum stepped up and stopped smiling like Tracy Morgan on cable access television, it would do wonders for L.A.’s defense” rofl
Cuz,you on fire !!
May 5th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
dmitry of jersey says:
Deez:
No they weren’t, because Fingeroll Ewing was their starting center.
The bulls were THE motherf*cker team of the 90’s..
May 5th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
NTstateOFmind says:
the Detroit Bad Boys of the 80s and those 90s Knicks teams with Xavier McDaniel and John Starks were those Motherf*ckin teams
May 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
POPPI GEE says:
Swag article. Nice one Katz! Gave the proof to back it too!
May 5th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
karizmatic says:
This just seems like another way of calling the Lakers soft.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Frank says:
Great motherf*ckin’ article, despite not mentioning Mr. Motherf*cker himself: Dennis Rodman…
May 5th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
James says:
bynum can be a good to very good center…but he just doesnt seem to have the demeanor to dominate and just beat people up like kg or get into people’s heads like rodman….it seems to out of character for him
May 5th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
A$$Cube aka Maaaaaaaaa$e says:
I’d pick the mid-90s Knicks all day.
Harper, Starks, X, Ma$e, Oak, Patrick Chewing, Riles, and… The MADISON SQUARE GARDEN with Spike Lee leading the charge!
Can’t get any better than that.
Thoses Bulls are not even close! How could they with guys like Kerr, Wennington, Longley, Rusty Larue, Buechler, on board? The only time they really added a moitherf*cker was when they picked up the late Brian Williams who would end up being to much for the Jazz to handle.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Drink the Haterade (KB24 Chip 09) says:
to me Reggie Miller in MSG is the consummate Motherf*ucker!!! When he was droppin all them treys, after being hated on by the NY crowd, HE WAS LIKE WHAT BITCHES…
Also, JJ Reddick in college @ Maryland when he would go to the line and they would chant F*CK JJ. And he would calmly sink them.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Rare Air says:
@ 5
No doubt!!! Those Knicks were the real deal
Bynum has to get real nasty. Put somebody on their back and set the tone. If the Lakers come out flat again tomorrow night there could be some real issues.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
aj says:
Another note on Denver…
Don’t forget Melo…even when they were beating the crap out of Nawlins…he was still dropping 3’s…a true MF move…
May 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
aj says:
Another note on Denver…
Don’t forget Melo…even when they were beating the crap out of Nawlins (game 5)…he was still dropping 3’s…a true MF move…
May 5th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
G says:
damn I miss that sixers team
May 5th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
dmitry of jersey says:
@ asscube:
I like how you list bulls players and dont mention mj, rodman, or scottie. wtf… jordan’s left pinky was more motherf*cker than any combination of 90’s knicks.
like i said, nyk are disqualified from this discussion bc their best player crapped his pants and went for a fingeroll when the clear motherf*cker move was a dunk.
May 5th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
jackass says:
wow what a great article. now everybody’s running around tryin to call everybody a motherfucker!!!
May 5th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
IGP says:
you really got block out every swear? I mean you can just type motherfucker instead of mothe***cker right?
May 5th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Big Island says:
Bynum probably hasn’t showered since the playboy mansion. You know how it is when you get your first bit of poon. The Rihanna rumors probably aren’t helping.
The dude just isn’t tough yet. Maybe he will be, but it isn’t there yet. Oden at least looks the part even though I will lose faith in him if he sucks next year too. Like when he dunked on Shaq back in the day, he had that look of “holy shit!!! I dunked on Shaq!!!” Well not really ON Shaq, but whatever. He needs to channel some Artis Gilmore.
May 5th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Gnasche says:
@12
No doubt. Although, I’d go with Laimbeer as Mr.MF Sr. and Rodman as MR.MF Jr.
http://www.detroitbadboys.com/images/bill-laimbeer-larry-bird.jpg
May 5th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
bballinca says:
Bynum should take a lesson from when Ronny Turiaf was on the team. If Ronny had half the God-given gifts that Bynum has he’d be a mf allstar.
May 5th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
EddyB says:
Excellent article!!
May 5th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
kevin k says:
hahahaahaahahhahah
this is the best motherfucking article i read in Dime
May 5th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Kermit The Washington says:
Lakers will land Artest next year. And then Kobe will have the necessary company.
http://www.CalmYoSelf.com
Latest post: Worst Batteries Ever
May 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Marian says:
What about the heat from the 90s. Zo being the ultimate motherfucker. dude let you his bows und bully you all day
May 5th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Big T says:
What’s the point of putting an asterisk in every ‘motherfucker’?
May 5th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
dagwaller says:
Awesome post. Bynum definitely isn’t there yet, which is why Yao will continue to steal his lunch.
May 5th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Taj says:
Did Bernie Mac write this article?? I haven’t seen the word that many times since his Kings of Comedy skit…
Great article tho… Everything you said in there was true…All the Championship teams have one or many muthafukas. 90’s Knicks, Pacers, 80’s Pistons, Kurt Rambis, Rodman, and the list goes on..
May 5th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
E$ says:
It was so much easier with playboy bunnies on his shoulders
May 5th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Ian says:
drink
agree
May 5th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
foolio_iglesias says:
Kenny Smith calls those players ‘hoodrats’.But motherfuckers good too….
May 5th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
no j mayo says:
btw, don’t know if yall are just forgettin’, but MJ was THE motherfucker. Bird was a motherfucker too.
Question: who is the all-time anti-motherfucker? I got Brad Sellars. That bitch was soft as charmin.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
liukz says:
Pippen dunking and then bitchslaping action on Ewing: Priceless MOFONESS
May 5th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
K.i.n.G. says:
Gotta love the ‘09 thuggets/muggets, they just don’t give a fuck. Birdman leading the charge, K-Mart chucking white boys all over the court. J.R. and Billups just making it rain on hoes cause motherfuckers don’t like sunshine. Nene shitting on kids faces like he got diarrhea. Melo juss using and abusing players all over the court. George Karl juss for looking like motherfuckin motherfucker! Ahhhh the ‘09 thuggets/muggets, gotta love those motherfuckers!
May 6th, 2009 at 2:40 am
weng santos says:
That Sixers team was a classic. Eastern Conference leaders and championship contenders living off the table scraps! They had one superstar scorer, but the rest of the team had motherfucking swagger!
They honestly belived that they could wear you down into submission. Their only advantage was their unbreakable will. Even when they ultimately lost to the Lakers, in that series, they was AI stepping over people (even being a dick to his own coach!), Deke flashing his sharp elbows, Snow mugging people, unknown Jumaine Jones shooting with no conscience, and Raja being Raja. They weren’t as talented; they got as far as they did on sheer tougness.
And of course, they had Larry Brown and an overly-enthusiastic Pat Croce being the King MoFo and the undercover geeky MoFo, respectively. They had that “whatever it takes” mentality that they rubbed off on the team.
Miss that team. They had FIRE.
May 6th, 2009 at 2:50 am
weng santos says:
@ 38. LOL!
Thuggets/muggets hahaha! Thugs and muggers.
The thing is, Dallas is losing because they’re getting bitch-slapped on the court. Their edge is manufactured, and decidedly fake. Deep down, they play a tucked-in shirt kind of game where everybody’s trying to e a pretty boy and play pretty.
Meanwhile, the 09 thuggets/muggets are making complete ill-bred street-cred fools of themselves on national tv and don’t give a flying fuck about how they look doing it. Where this toughness and foolish swagger was all along- I don’t know- but I’m sure as hell fucking proud the Nuggets brought it out.
In the first round, Denver came ready not just to play, but to fight; New Orleans wanted no part of a fight and was crying about it the whole series. Now we have Dallas; who wins a melee between a slick suit and a street thug, seriously? And now they’re crying about being hurt, too.
Whatever. I just enjoy the swagger. Without Denver, these playoffs would seriously lack ATTITUDE!
May 6th, 2009 at 5:55 am
QQ says:
Gary Payton spitting poison at whoever sorry bitch he is guarding.
The Reignman dunking on Alton Lister and pointing, essentially saying, ‘never, ever jump when I dunk, fool.’
Detlef Schrempf being badass without ever trying.
The Sonics are the motherfucker team of the 90’s, motherfuckers.
May 6th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Dominique says:
This article is the Truth…
AB needs to throw an Artest drive to the rim to the ground to earn worldwide respect.
May 6th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Billy Hoyle says:
if only the refs allowed more motherfuckerage these days .. i’m afraid it’s impossible to be a motherfucker like in the days of old
May 6th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Eric says:
Great job Katz!!!
My question for the board is who is your all-time motherf#cker team?
You get 8 players and 1 coach.
Bird/Magic era to present day…take your time motherf#ckers!!!
May 6th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Brown says:
Where are all the Laker fans who were claiming “when Bynum comes back, we’ll be alright”? Bynum’s been back and he doesn’t look like the same player (surprise, surprise). The Lakers look soft and overrated, but I don’t think we’ve seen Kobe really get his motherfucker on yet, which tends to rub off on his teammates.
May 6th, 2009 at 9:09 am
doc says:
This real shit right here.Thats why i laugh when people bash KG.Because they would trade they PF for that motherfucker in a minute.
May 6th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Eric says:
KG is an all-time motherf#cker. PERIOD. Anyone who bashes him is watching something different, very different.
May 6th, 2009 at 10:28 am
QQ says:
And people who says they will trade for KG STILL gets annoyed with that asshole’s antics.
His antics are different from his game. I admire his game, I always did. The thing is, he is a fucking asshole. Talks shit like an asshole, acts like an asshole.
It’s like all cats are pissed with Kanye’s antics, but every fucking one of them would trade places with him , with all the fame and the bling, if they had the chance.
May 6th, 2009 at 11:42 am
sh!tfaced says:
If you could somehow mold Kendrick Perkins and Bynum into one, then you’ve got your damn badass motherf*cking center…
May 7th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Mase says:
I think we just discovered that Fish is the new motherfu*&er on the team! Hockey checked that bitch, lol.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Chris Coutts says:
No J Mayo – I got another one for you in your all-time anti-motherfucker.
Dolph Schayes.
Worst big white guy ever.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Mojoman says:
My ONLY fave player ever on the Lakers – he was a goon AND a Motherf•cker – Kurt Rambis. Plus he had that psycho, thick eyeglass look that made blood run cold