NBA / May 7, 2009 / 5:25 pm

Top 25 Motherf*ckers of All Time

bill-russell

Despite having a front row seat to the Motherf*cker Show last night, Andrew Bynum clearly still hasn’t gotten the memo. While Kobe gave out 40 in his Lucha Libre mask, Derek Fisher snapped out of year-long stupor as a patsy, and Ron Artest calmly told Kobe that if he wanted to f*ck around, he’d f*ck around, Bynum mustered a 9-minute, 0-point, 1-rebound performance.

If last night’s display of Motherf*cker-hood wasn’t enough to teach the Lakers’ young center, there’s only one thing that could show him the way: a list of the Top 25 Motherf*ckers of All Time.

25. Alonzo Mourning
By the time ‘Zo won a chip, he wasn’t the Heat’s go-to motherf*cker anymore. But those years when he wore sweatbands on both of his wrists and a Fresh Prince flattop, he was a different breed of ballplayer. Plus, the “What the f*ck are you doing” look that he gave to Jeff Van Gundy when he was clinging onto ‘Zo’s leg during the Knicks-Heat fracas was vintage motherf*cker.

24. Dennis Johnson
As one of 16 kids in a single household growing up in South Central LA, DJ was a tough son of a bitch. After high school, he took a job driving a forklift for $2.75/hour, and playing street ball after work. That’s where he first gained a reputation for the same smothering defense that made him one of the toughest motherf*ckers to score on in the League.

23. Allen Iverson (& the ’01 Sixers)
While this year’s Denver squad might be the biggest group of motherf*ckers still alive in the playoffs, they aren’t on par with the ’01 Sixers. In fact, there hasn’t been a team like them since. There was basically no talent on that squad with the exception of Allen Iverson and Dikembe Mutombo. But Aaron McKie, Eric Snow, and George Lynch became the bane of the Pacers, Raptors and Bucks existence, sinking every open jumper and playing like swarming gnats on D.

22. Kevin Garnett
As we said yesterday, KG is the posterboy for motherf*ckers everywhere. His edict to the rest of the C’s last year to block every single shot taken after a whistle blew was the ultimate motherf*cker move. There was no real impact on the scoreboard by doing that, but it proved that he didn’t care about who was winning and losing at a particular time. He just wanted to get in his opponent’s head.

21. Xavier McDaniel
X-Man gets on this list on looks alone. He’s built like the Terminator. The contrast of his bald head and bright, cat-like eyes would make any sane man put their head down and walk the other way. Plus, he took Shawn Kemp under his wing, molding the Reign Man into a human jackhammer. That’s what happens when you witness moments like these first-hand.

20. Ben Wallace
No matter what profession Big Ben chose, he would have been one of the Top 25 Motherf*ckers of All Time doing that. He’s just that intimidating. This is a guy who will always get what he wants, whether you want to give it to him or not.

19. Antonio Davis/Dale Davis
The top motherf*cker tandem with the same last name. Realize that Reggie Miller was able to get away with his antics – the choke gesture at MSG, the flailing arms-in-the-air celebrations, the excessive trash talk – because of these two guys. That being said, if you pitted the Davis “brothers” against each other, I’d say that Dale wins out 9 times out of 10.

18. Charles Barkley
One of the only motherf*ckers who would look Shaq in the face and actually think it’s a good idea to swing at him. Brad Miller jogged away from the Diesel after nearly getting his head chopped off. Chris Dudley went so far as to throw a ball as O’Neal’s calf. And Sir Charles wasn’t even in his prime motherf*cker years back then. Back when he played in Philly, he was the Sixers’ best scorer, best rebounder, and their top enforcer at the same time. That’s a bad motherf*cker.

17. Scottie Pippen
Pippen’s a puzzling case – in some ways, he deserves to be Top 10 on this list because he was one of the most frustrating guys to play defense in the history of this game. But his moodiness during MJ’s years on the White Sox were almost the antithesis of “motherf*cker”. Obviously his episodes as a bad man far outweigh the clips of him whining on the bench, refusing to check in to a game only to be saved by Toni Kukoc.

16. Terry Cummings
Terry Cummings grew into his own as a motherf*cker. He wasn’t always that way. When he first came into the League, he was a prolific scoring power forward from DePaul, winning rookie of the year at 23.7 points, 10.4 boards per night. But he really blossomed as a MF’er after suffering a knee injury in ’92. It brought out the baddest in him – despite serious pain, he played eight more season at about 15 points and 9 boards a night. Terry became such a motherf*cker, he wouldn’t even pass the motherf*cker gene down to his son, T.J. Cummings. T.J., a 6-10 PF played at UCLA for four years, who was baby-wipe soft.

15. Larry Bird
Unfazed by smothering defense, Bird had an aura that every motherf*cker aspires to have: it doesn’t matter what you throw at me, I’m still going to get mine. If you want to teach your kids how to be a motherf*cker, sit them in front of a TV and pop in the “Larry Legend” DVD. It’s the best thing that you could do for their future.

14. Dave Cowens
You have to take your hat off to Cowens, a 6-8 C who was a rabid rebounder. Motherf*cker was so vicious on the glass, he had five seasons in which he posted at least 15 boards a game. As a testament to just how crazy this motherf*cker was, he slept on a park bench in Boston Common after wandering through the city partying after winning the ’74 ‘chip. He played so g*ddamn hard, he took a break during the 1977 season to “clear his head,” and drove a cab during his time off.

13. Bruce Bowen
The Darwinist of motherf*ckers. Bowen was on the fringe of being out of the NBA until he turned himself into a motherf*cker, deciding to make his niche as a lock-down defender and general pest. Since then, he’s made a career of getting under the skin of superstars like Kobe, Ray Allen, Steve Nash and LeBron. From his slide-under anklebreaker move to straight-up kneeing guys in the balls (and getting away with it), Bowen has all the dirty tricks in the book, and his opponents know it.

12. Moses Malone
A couple years ago, we got to chat up Moses at a Nike event in NYC and asked him why guys in his day had to grab 14-15 rebounds per game in order to lead the League, whereas current players can do so while pulling down 11-12 boards. Moses’ answer was basically, “Everyone today is a pussy and they don’t want to rebound.” OK.

11. Kobe Bryant
In many ways, Kobe defines motherf*cker-hood for our generation. Kobe relishes knocking down jumpers in someone else’s grill more than anyone to ever play the game – Michael included. MJ didn’t take as many ill-advised shots as Bryant, and thus he didn’t have as many opportunities to mean mug at his man after the ball swished through. At the NBA Store a couple of weeks ago, we spoke with Coach Mike Krzyzewski about what makes Kobe so special, and he told this story: “During one of our meetings before we really got into the flow in Beijing,” said Coach K, “he stopped me and said, ‘Coach.’ Then he gave one of those long Kobe stares, and said, ‘I want to guard the best player on the perimeter of every team we play.’ He stopped. And then said, ‘And I will destroy them.’”

10. Reggie Miller
He brought out his best motherf*cker moments on the biggest stages. You know about all the big shots in clutch situations, but remember that Reggie was a skinny dude who relished in bucking up on Jordan, Kobe or whoever else was supposed to be better than him.

9. Ron Artest
Ron’s not on this list because of one infamous incident. He’s here because of his year-round commitment to being a motherf*cker on the court. When he’s done being the best on-ball defensive forward in the League (I don’t care who the NBA chose for their All-Defensive First Team), he goes back to Queensbridge and runs literally three times a day until training camp picks back up. Last year he got his tooth knocked out in the middle of a meaningless summer league game in Harlem, put the tooth in his sock, and kept playing. Motherf*cker finished with 35 that night.

8. Anthony Mason/Charles Oakley
How is it that the ’90′s Knicks were widely considered some of the toughest motherf*ckers in the League despite being led by a center who everyone gets on for being Charmin-soft? It’s because of these two guys, who were far more than enforcers on the court. And once Oak was out of the League, he was one of the guys who got everyone still playing to sack up about the dress code, calling out Allen Iverson to “Grow up already.” People could talk bad about David Stern behind his back, but no one would say anything about Oakley.

7. The Bad Boys
Everyone wants to say that Bill Laimbeer was the baddest dude on this team, but if there was one guy that we’d have to crown as the motherf*cker from the ’80′s Pistons, it’d be Joe Dumars. Laimbeer was a part-time thug and a part-time flopper. He was the Vlade Divac of the ’80′s. While Laimbeer was jumping up and down after taking a charge like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum, Joe D was nose-to-chest with the Magic‘s, Michael‘s, and Clyde Drexler‘s of the League. Motherf*cker made the All-Defensive team five times, as he had some of the fastest hands we’ve ever seen.

6. Gary Payton
Still a motherf*cker when he’s wearing a suit and sitting behind the NBA TV studio desk. Because of today’s offense-friendly rules and the fact that he was just a gritty motherf*cker, Payton was the last guard who was able to dominate a game defensively. Always talking, always swarming, just always … there. What other point guard would have even been given a chance to stop MJ one-on-one in an NBA Finals series?

5. Oscar Robertson
Undeniably one of the greatest players ever in any sport, Oscar never gets his proper due in this YouTube/highlight era because his game wasn’t nearly as aesthetically pleasing as somebody like Kobe or even Elgin Baylor from his era. The reason: Oscar was a motherf*ckin’ bully who just backed guys down or took a couple dribble to get where he wanted, and then did what he wanted when he got there. You know that sneer Kobe gets on his face when he’s pissed and wants to destroy a team by himself? Oscar invented it.

4. John Stockton/Karl Malone
The No. 1 motherf*cker coach of all time, Bob Knight, once said that the greatest compliment he give a player was that he knew what he’d get from him every single day. No truer statement could have been made about Stockton or Malone.

3. Dennis Rodman
There’s never been another athlete who is widely recognized as bat-sh*t crazy, yet as in control of everything happening on the court at the same time. Watch the mind-games that he played with Karl Malone, Frank Brickowski, Alonzo – it’s astounding. No motherf*cker has ever gone as hard after rebounds as the Worm. Ever.

2. Bill Russell
The original motherf*cker. He battled through racism – from the University of San Francisco to his 11 championships in Boston – he saw unspeakable things on such a maniacal level that he’s been called basketball’s Jackie Robinson. He was a self-made man through and through, growing from a player with “atrocious fundamentals” into one of the greatest champions in the history of sports. How’s this for a great motherf*cker stat? Russell averaged 22.5 boards per game for his career.

1. Michael Jordan
Michael wasn’t the most talented guy to ever pick up a basketball, but he became the greatest motherf*cker of all time because of unparalleled mental toughness. People made careers out of trying to be “Jordan Stoppers,” but no one was ever able to actually live up to that title. After getting that crown, Gerald Wilkins got a 31 ppg helping from His Airness in the ’93 Eastern Conference Semi’s. What other motherf*cker abused guys specifically set out to stop him like Mike? Even as he was approaching 40 in the Wizards phase of his career, he refused to show weakness and was still feared.

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  • http://www.twitter.com/lakersnation Twitter.com/LakersNation

    Interesting List . . . I think Kobe deserves a lilttle higher placement, but I’m biased . . . maybe cuz i say “DAMN MUTHAF*CKA” at least twice a game with the way he makes his defenders look down right stupid. . . . personally, i think there’s too types of MoFos – ones you respect – Jordan/Russell and Losers who were cheapshot artists – Stockton/Malone/Laimbeer . . .

  • Eric Nichols

    NO #33 The Cap out of LA? Cmon now? Straight ridiculous.
    Anybody that can put a foot on Bruce Lee’s chest is a MFer in my book.

    Kareem. 3X NCAA Champ. 6X NBA Champ. Kung Fu Master.

  • Spliff 2 My Lou

    Luckily Bynum’s $12 million+ salary doesn’t kick in until next season or he could possibly be the highest paid worthless motherf*cker of all time to set foot in the NBA playoffs.

  • Vinny

    Willis Reed-took out a whole bench 1 night.he was a bad mf
    Andrew Toney-ask magic!
    Rick Barry-why u think he cant get a coaching job!
    Kareem. see above
    And take punk ass reggie miller off that list.

  • G

    While you can make an argument for Joe Dumars being the biggest “Bad Boys” motherf*cker Laimbeer needs to still make the list on his own somewhere.

    I think you forget the time he knocked the shit out of Barkley.

  • A$$Cube aka Charlie Ward vs. PJ Brown?

    They might not be TOP 25 but you gotta give credit to both Charlie Ward and PJ Brown. Not only for when they showed their knuckles to one another, but throughout their career, they were good ol’ enforcers.

    Ward took more charges than any other point guard. Well, maybe not because there’s no stats but…

    PJ… Just the way he got to the League, and that Boston needed him to come out of retirement to win that chip says it all.

  • Vinny

    Why is my first post gone?? is that censorship???

  • Vinny

    oh my bad its back!

  • http://www.geocities.com/dagomardeg Dagomar

    I think Jerry West should be on there somewhere (call me crazy). I still say Wilt was pretty badass, even though some say he was too nice (certainly wasn’t later in his career). But the worst omission by far is Shaq. WHAT?? Put him in the top 5 and end it.

    Also: where’s Bradley?

  • Drink the Haterade (KB24 Chip 09)

    Gary Payton needs to pass some that ish down to his son… Dude is Def not a MF.

    What about James Edwards? From the bad boys that MF’r would knock you cold!

    I noticed LBJ isn’t on the list? Dime? Did you stop ridin his dick or did he throw you off?

  • bballinca

    Pippen??? Please!

  • Chips Ahoy!

    I think Bruce Bowen should be a bit higher. That Motherf*cker jumped kicked Wally Szerbiak in the face!!!

  • L

    LMAO!! The picture of X-Man choking that dude is hilarious!

  • http://following-thetrail.blogspot.com Matt

    No Mo Luke?!?!

  • silky

    How u gonna say ewing was soft? Dude was feared and revered. That whole early nineties knicks team was mf’d out. Starks 4 life

  • buffaloballa

    wes unseld would put his foot in oaks AND mase’s ass
    at the same time…and with gus johnson would have beat
    their asses then beat grandmamas ass, take his converse sneakers off and send them all home to their mamas…

    jerry west is so bad the logo is his in image
    AND richard pryor wrote a joke a bout him
    being a badd mf…

    give me maurice lucas and buck johnson vs 20 of those mfs on the list

    thats obviously a half assed mf’n list….that IS all…

  • Hucklebuck

    bballinca-

    Pippen was definitely a motherf*cker.
    He was a RELENTLESS DEFENDER and had several times when he’d dribble down the court and just bang on player’s domes.
    and even tho Ewing is my guy, Pippen dunked on him, and walked over him.

    Dirty.

  • Taj

    That XMAN pic is SIIIIIICCCK!!! That guy looked like the guy that wanted Debo’s “Beach Cruiser”….

  • Big Island

    Reggie Miller and Kobe Bryant and John Stockton and Karl Malone and Gary Payton and…. ahead of Moses Malone? You guys have fucking lost it. Wes Unseld would whip ass. My old man used to tell me stories of how he saw Wilt chase down 2 dudes at halftime and whip their asses.

    ARTIS GILMORE!!!!!

    Kobe didn’t even handle Chris Childs for crying out loud!

  • Jay Jay

    Barkley deserves to be higher just for thinking it’s a good idea to swing at Shaq …lol

    And that Moses Malone line that today’s players are pussy’s is hilarious!

  • Guitar Hero

    John. Starks.

    Where’s that dude who punched Rudy T in the face?

  • K Dizzle

    Where the hell is Gus Johnson?
    And any bad motherf*ckin list need to have LATRELL SPREWELL on it….fo real

  • Pooh

    This list needs Mad Max on it… he was one of the few motherfuckers who never backed down from MJ.

  • marcus the great

    SPREEWELL! lol

  • Kryptonite Hops

    Isn’t Wilt literally a mofo? 2000 women, one of them has got to be somebody’s mother.

  • yeah right

    andrew toney .. NO BALONEY
    sixers all the way

  • Ninja

    What about Paul Silas? The man was an intimidator on the court, he intimidated everyone off the court (especially car mechanics), and he even intimidated his former players as a head coach (telling Boozer to c u next tuesday). I don’t think there’s a bigger Triple Threat Motherf*cker than Silas.

  • http://stonerodco.com dennis

    dropped the ball on this one. muarice lucas has got to be on this list. Baddest mofo that ever played the game. THE ENFORCER

  • doc

    I like the players on here.

  • dragonyeuw

    If MJ’s not the most talented, then who is?

  • m

    how do you not have jerry sloan on the list? the list should be named after him.

  • ianodelaleza

    im now a motherf*cker cuz u left shaq off this motherf*uckin list…you motherf*uckers!

  • NC

    I feel that Bird should be higher on this list. Jordan called this guy the dirtiest player in the NBA. Bird would walk you down, pull down your pants, run back and pop a three and then trash talk you. THATS A MOTHERF*CKER!

  • Jim

    Where’s Jerry Sloan on your list? I still have nightmares!

  • JS

    Towards the end of Oakley’s career I was lucky enough to be sitting courtside for a Knicks-Cavs game in Cleveland. Oakley airballed a shot that was tipped out of bounds and then was getting set to inbound the ball right in front of me. I yelled “Nice shot Oakley.” He looked back over his shoulder and I’ve never shut up quicker in my life.

  • Jo Jo

    Calvin “Mutha Phuckin’” Murphy

  • Prof. TX

    Vernon Maxwell and Grandmama LJ

  • http://twitter.com/PoppiGEE POPPI GEE

    No Larry Johnson?

  • QQ

    Detroit SURELY thinks Iverson is a motherfucker.. after all the shit he left in their city.

  • QQ

    And damn… I’m starting to doubt if the Dime writers are just copy machine dudes who searched ‘NBA’ in the net when their boss isn’t looking and decided to make a living off it.

    WHERE THE HELL IS JOHN STARKS?

    The motherfucker that would reduce every other motherfucker in this list to tears.

  • karizmatic

    Terry Cummings shouldn’t be on this list, Barkley should be higher and Shaq really should be on this list. Dude would break a basketball hoop on your head if you pissed him off, and remember those elbows he gave Dikembe in the finals?

  • karizmatic

    I’d also like a short list of players who were actually more athletically gifted than Michael Jordan.

  • Iceman

    You got the crazy mf or a bad mf or worse both. I think Barkley tops the list for both his on and off court stuff.

    Pippen off, Stockton off

    Mcfilthy & McNasty aka Bruise Brothers – Jeff Ruland & Rick Mahorn (Washington Bullets)
    Kermit Washington
    Maurice Lucas
    Shaq is the big bully

  • Iceman

    More Barkley

    After throwing a guy through a 1st floor window in a bar Charles was in front of the judge.
    Judge: “Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?”
    Charles: “Yeah I regret we weren’t on a higher floor”

    After an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, Charles got into a physical altercation with a member of Angola towards the end of the game, afterwards he says: “Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me.”

  • http://www.basketsim.com Big Daddy Ben

    THIS is most certainly the BEST LIST I have ever read on a basketball website!

    As Moses says: “Everyone today is a pussy.”

    Chapeau!

  • Dukesman2000

    Anything associated with basketball and Jordan isn’t number 1, seems like blasphemy, yes? lol

  • Big Shot BOB

    Bill Russell should be #1. Also no Larry Johnson or Chris Paul = up and coming motherf*cker!

  • SagJism

    How can you not have Artis gilmore and maurice Lucas on this list? Doesnt make sense? Kobe should be hire up butonly after the Chris childs fight, that was the last timehe toook shit. Joe Dumars, Reggie Miller, they were honorable mention but not true motherfuckers and Pippen, yeaha good defender but a punk ass, take him off please. and add Dominic Wilkens and Kevin Mchale but the overall badass has got to be Greg Kite, his whole career was to hit people, thats all he could do, I dont even think he touched thebasketball other than rebounds he just hit people LOL.

  • SagJism

    Oh Yeah, Jerry West (TheLogo) why do you think he is the logo? He was arguable the baddest that ever did it.

  • Kevin

    I wish they would let the NBA fight like they do in the NHL ha. I’d love to see Artest vs. Lebron. Or Artest vs. Matt Harpring. Or Shaq vs Howard.
    Can yall do an article on which NBA players you’d like to see in a street fight, that’d be interesting to see what people thought!

  • Tiago

    what’s up? my question is, how did shaq stay out of this list?! The most dominant force ever to set foot in a nba arena! The man who haunts the minds of every center for the past 15 years! 4 rings, mvp, 3 times finals-mvp! come on man!

  • Hustla

    Hakeem Olajuwon MFed 88% of the players on this list every time he played them (only 88 b/c he didn’t play against other 3).

    The league was thanking Allah when Olajuwon found his faith and actually chilled out a little around 1989.

  • Jerrod

    I don’t know if this has been posted yet, but this is a great Moses Malone throwback….

    http://www.homageclothing.com/store/moses-malone-p-87

  • Ian

    vinny
    not biased at all right knick fan willis in and reggie out. its weird knick fans are the ones that need to appreciate reggie the most since he gave you knick fans a tell me how my ass taste everytime they played.

    i remember a heat vs pacers games on reggies finals season reggie hit a three at the buzzer to send the game into overtime (duh it was going in) and you could see spike lee in the audience mouthing “all the time”.

    tiago past 15 years??? nah shaq doesnt haunt the minds of the admiral , hakeem and ewing he haunts divacs and dampier.

    kobe should be lower and miller higher.
    moses is the best rebounder ever.

  • Ian

    dime one jordan is not 1 people need to get off this mans nuts he might be the greatest ever but every list of random shit you can come up with has jordan in it.

    best rebounder ever jordan
    best passer ever jordan
    best stare ever jordan

  • Ian

    pippen
    hell no

    bowen higher ask wally

    silky
    yeah the knicks were badass but ewing was the only kinda soft one

    big island is right kobe couldnt handle childs and reggie was going to pop him also.

    LOL@QQ

  • barons beard

    Kobe makes the list but LJ doesn’t? Thats mental

  • AB_40

    where’s wilt? how demoralizing must it be to have guy score 100 points against you.

    and tim duncan is ice cold he’s a motherfucker for having a 4 inch vert and still killing everyione who try’s to guard him haha

  • http://nba.com solomon (el latino machismo)

    where’s chuck hayes?

  • rocky lobs
  • tim

    Joe D could stop Jordan…

  • Sweetness69

    What not alot of people talk about is that Not only was Rodman one of the Baddest M@therF#$&ers to get a rebound. But he would give up 4-6 inches and a ton of weight covering 4′s and 5′s. In his days with the Bulls he covered Shaq in his prime on the Magic in the playoffs and kept him in check. I could do without the antics but he was an unbelievable defender and one intense m-f’er.

  • http://www.newyorkshockexchange.com Old School Baller

    You left off Maurice Lucas, Kermit Washington and M.L. Carr. Lucas was an enforcer for the Portland Trailblazers’ championship team and basically kept the peace on any team he was on.

    Washington was one of the strongest guys in the NBA and one of the first players to employ weight lifting as part of his basketball conditioning. He was another enforcer in the days when the game was still a physical game.

    M.L. Carr brought his tough guy image from the ABA into the NBA. Though past his prime on the Celtics’ championship teams, he was probably the most hated player in the league . . . er . . . along with Bird, Mchale, Ainge and DJ.

  • moo
  • brooks

    how do you not have paul pierce on your top 25? he is one of the grittiest gamers of all time he serves all top performers including kobe bryant. what happen to Shaq you should do the list again cause ben wallace cant be on there he cant hit a ten foot jumper I would replace him with dennis rodman who could score a little something and fire up the crowd with the quickness

  • Brent

    Hakeem Fucking Olajuwon. See: entire playoff career. Hakeem destroyed four hall of fame centers in the playoffs- Kareem in 1986, Ewing in 1994, Robinson in 1995 and Shaq in 1995. Look carefully at what he did to the newly crowned MVP David Robinson in 1995. No reigning MVP *ever* got their ass kicked more thoroughly. After Bill Russell and Michael Jordan, Hakeem defines Motherfucker on the court.

  • mixer

    Manu deserves top 25. He is the tr00 motherf*cking hustler.

  • fLaVa

    Danny “motherfu*king* Fortson!

  • Ian

    brent
    gtfoh go see if you can youtube the games instead of watchin one replay of the dream shake fool.

  • Mojoman

    Damn! No Rambis? The man was a true goonboy, but he could also be a nasty motherf%cker. He’d sharpen his elbows before every game, knock somebody in the throat, and then stare ‘em down through those psycho cokebottle glasses.

  • the truth

    Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest motherfucker of all time. Nuff said.