NBA / Sep 2, 2009 / 4:00 pm

Random Question of the Day

Evander has a good reason for every loss

Evander has a good reason for every loss

What’s the biggest “asterisk” you’ve seen somebody use in a real-life situation?

The Fantasy Doctor has always suggested we do a regular column called “*Asterisk* of the Day,” calling out the best/worst excuses used by public figures. Because when you cover sports for a living, the old saying “Excuses are like a-holes; everybody’s got one” becomes more real than ever.

Some athletes are worse than others. I watch a lot of boxing and track, and they throw out more asterisks than a little kid in the principal’s office: I had got a cut in training … My groin was a little tight … My gloves were too heavy … There was a wind coming in from the left …

In a sports setting, the biggest *** I’ve ever seen happened during a pickup game in New York. There was a guy who was clearly the worst player on the court, so bad that his man wasn’t even guarding him. After he passed up several wide-open shots, his PG started yelling at him to shoot, and one time he finally complied. With plenty of awkward hesitation, he jacked up a 20-footer that traveled about 16 feet and wide left. When everyone looked at him with a mix of disbelief, pity and disgust … all of a sudden … the guy shouts “Aaaagh!!” and starts limping, favoring his ankle. I couldn’t even help it; I started laughing at him. Of course, six seconds later he was running like normal.

Now excuse me while I talk about “America’s Got Talent” for a minute: In last night’s semifinal, Acrodunk finally put on a show that passed my “I have to call somebody and tell them about that” test, jumping through a flaming ring to dunk on a flaming hoop. (Speaking of asterisks, they did this while wearing jeans. How many times have you seen a dude cry “I’m wearing jeans” or “I got on the wrong shoes” when they mess up on the court?)

Anyway, the jaw-dropping *** of the night came from Arcadian Broad, a teenage dancer who never really impressed me because he’s not much more than twirls and jumps. After a High School Musical-inspired performance, judge Piers Morgan told Arcadian straight-up that he wasn’t good enough to get to the finals. On the verge of tears and grasping at straws, the kid (paraphrasing) blurted out, “Doing High School Musical wasn’t my idea. The producers made me do it!”

Sharon Osborne and David Hasselhoff were too late trying to save him. That kid is DONE. I don’t care if America gives him twice as many votes as anyone else, there’s no way he makes it to the next round. After breaking the fourth wall so blatantly and shamelessly, NBC won’t allow it. Sorry kid, you just iced yourself like Sean Penn in Carlito’s Way.

* Follow Austin Burton on Twitter: @AustinatDIMEmag
* Follow Dime on Twitter: @DIMEMag
* Become a fan of Dime Magazine on Facebook HERE

Related Posts with Thumbnails
  • http://www.niketalk.yuku.com/forums/8 NTstateOFmind

    biggest asterisk is always that “AI” guy during a pickup game that hogs the ball all game, and when he misses a shot starts complaining about this or that and doesnt run back on D
    …man, I F’n hate that guy, lol.

  • Mellmeister

    Biggest Asterisk
    **Brian Scalabrine
    If u’r going to NBA.com and check on the Celtics Roster you’ll see Scalabrine’s name with an asterisk

    dropdown and you’ll see:

    “Needed Spark not ‘off’ but ‘on’ the bench” (Ugly-Ass White Boy Waving Towel on the end of the bench)
    Thought i saw him at the SNL Re-runs… oh wait, it’s Will Ferrell. hahahaha! :P

  • Sanssasin

    when your playing hoops and the guy drops the “Man, I haven’t played hoops in a long time” when it is obvious this is probably this is his first time even touching the “cowhide globe”.

    he keeps jacking up shots and repeating that phrase.

    some people you can tell used to be ballers, they have good form and have a good handle on the game and you can tell they are rusty. some guys have no form and a horrible handle on the game and it is apparent that they have not played the game and they are the ones who continuously use that phrase.

  • Kevin

    All of us at one time or another said “The game is cheating!” during an embarrassing video game loss.

  • http://www.myspace.com/beenobrown BERN BROGDEN aka BINO BROWN STR8 UP N DOWN

    Brett Myers and his BLACK EYE – he managed to pull 2 dumb ass askerisks on the same damn incident.

    1st – he says he got a shiner from playin’ toss with his kid.*
    2nd – then he said he fell out of a car.*


  • Alee-Mo

    “Flu-like symptoms” = The NBA version of “working through a hangover”

  • inFamous1

    lol @Alee-Mo hahahah!

  • karizmatic

    lol. Yesterday at the court I heard a pretty big asterisk. A guy playing the game threw one of those passes that were clearly to no one and then yells out. “Stupid f*cking ball!!!!” This is one of those stories where you had to be there (lol another asterisk for this story not being that funny.)

  • Alee-Mo

    @karizmatic — That’s like the tennis players who look at their racket when they miss a shot. Or a baseball players strikes out SWINGING, then starts arguing with the umpire.

  • Ashlov

    I remember Lionel Simmons missing a few games with wrist tendinitis which he said was caused by excessive use of his Nintendo Game Boy.

  • Celts Fan

    “It doesn’t count honey. I was drunk”

  • Bill

    “I broke my back” – Mike Tyson

    Although I think that was after a win and he was explaining why he couldn’t fight six days earlier.

  • Celts Fan

    …and no, that ish didn’t work, but I had to try!

  • http://www.twitter.com/AustinatDIMEmag Austin Burton

    @Bill — Why you gotta call out my man Tyson like that?

    Mike: I broke my back.

    Reporter: What?


    Reporter: Mike, what kind of injury is it?

    Mike: Spinal.

  • Bill

    It’s what happens what your bored waiting for a flight at the airport.

    You stubble upon old Mike Tyson clips some how on youtube.

  • Big Island

    @Kevin – We used to have these crazy Mario Kart tournaments after league games/3 on 3 tourneys and the guy who had the big tv that we played on used to always yell “GLITCH IN THE GAME!!” and try to restart when he was gonna get knocked out. Mario Kart tournaments… Damn we were gay.

  • jksonics

    Black Eyed Peas*

    *Sold out in 2003.
    ** Claims to be female from birth.

  • Kobeef

    Orlando Magic, 2009 NBA Eastern Conference Champions*

    *Boston was without KG.

    Jerome James, millionaire*

    *Contract negotiated by Isiah Thomas

    Memphis Grizzlies sign Darius Miles*

    *It was only to screw-over the Blazers

  • Celts Fan

    @Kobeef – let’s not even go there w/ KG. All the Lakers fans bitching about no Bynum in ’08 pissed me the fuck off. I’m not pulling that shit. We lost to Orlando fair and square. Would we have beaten them w/ KG? I think so, but then again, I woulda fucked Angelina Jolie if I was Brad Pitt. Shit happens, ain’t no damn asterisk. Just know we coming for ‘em this year…

  • e

    * every excuse used for greg oden being a bust *every claim that oden is actually his age no way he isnt in his mid 30’s

  • e

    * every excuse used for greg oden being a bust *every claim that oden is actually in his 20’s no way he isnt in his mid 30’s

  • nick


    that is too funny.

  • Sweet English

    Eddy Curry*

    *I have a glandular problem.

  • Serge

    Tyson’s hilarious comment: