Contrary to what Chris Webber said last night, the Celtics are not going to win the 2010 championship because they picked up Rasheed Wallace. While ‘Sheed will definitely play a role, Boston isn’t winning jack (or Larry) unless Paul Pierce performs up to Paul Pierce standards. Last night was vintage Truth, as Boston downed the Cavs in the opening game of the new season, a rare home loss for Cleveland. With a little over a minute remaining in the fourth and the Celtics up by four, Pierce (23 pts, 11 rebs) ran a pick-and-roll with KG near midcourt against LeBron and Shaq. Advantage: Boston. Shaq reached, Pierce teached, then stuck a jumper from the top of the key that was essentially the dagger. The Cavs had a few more shots, but Pierce hit another jumper with 30 seconds left, then shut the door at the free throw line … Shout-out to the 1995 Draft, as two of its stars were the story for Boston before Pierce took over. KG (13 pts, 10 rebs, 3 blks) generally looked a little off his game — like when he bricked a dunk on a fast break, or watched Jamario Moon jump over his head and throw down a dunk on is dome — but came up big in the clutch. Garnett hit an impossible turnaround fadeaway with Shaq all over him late in the fourth. Then there was Rasheed Wallace, who looks like he actually wants to play basketball now, and was killing the Cavs with his outside jumper. ‘Sheed (12 pts) was big in the third quarter, when Boston stretched a six-point halftime lead to double figures … Somebody needs to hurry up and write the screenplay for WHAT?!? The Rasheed Wallace Story before Clarence Williams III gets too old to play the role of ‘Sheed … It’s just one game into the season, so we’re still in the realm of “streaky” rather than “deadly,” but LeBron’s jumper was on-point. He’s got the strength to casually hit 30-footers, and now he’s developing more touch on his more reasonable shots. LeBron (38 pts, 8 asts, 4 blks) and Derrick Rose have replaced D-Wade and Chris Paul as the top two “When he gets a jumper, it’s OVER” superstars in the League … First possession of the first game of the year, Shaq (10 pts, 10 rebs) comes across the lane looking to set a pick and clubs KG in the back of the head with a forearm. It (probably) wasn’t intentional and no foul was called, but it still sent the Celtics fans we know into fits. They already hate Shaq … Along with the Cavs’ loss, the LeBron hater in your life got a bonus gift when Marquis Daniels picked ‘Bron clean in the open court right before halftime. You know there’s already a few YouTube videos in the works to immortalize that one … Anthony Parker was listed in one TNT graphic as weighing 250 pounds. If he weighs 250, Shaq is 500 easy … Most people found out during the game that Big Baby Davis is going to miss about eight weeks with a broken thumb. Baby admitted he suffered the injury when he got into a fight with one of his boys. In a moving car. While his boy was driving. Foolishness all around … Did you see those crispy clean white Air Force 1s Charles Barkley had on with the black suit? When Kenny Smith call him out for having his shoes untied, Barkley said, “Don’t make me talk about your mama on the first night.” …

Kobe Bryant

The second half of the national TV doubleheader had the Lakers going against the Clippers in what was supposed to be both Blake Griffin‘s debut and a championship coronation for the Lakers. The ring/banner ceremony was short and sweet; before the unveiling they brought out a crew of former Lakers: Jerry West, Jamaal Wilkes, Norm Nixon, James Worthy, Michael Cooper (if all the old guys played a 1-on-1 tournament right now, Coop takes the crown), Magic Johnson, A.C. Green, Robert Horry and — Rick Fox? Who let the ugly girl into the VIP room? Turd in the champagne glass … Something’s not right when the Lakers’ massage therapist gets a championship ring and Karl Malone and Patrick Ewing don’t have one. On the flip side you’ve got Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who last night brought his title ring collection to like 48 … Without Blake in the lineup, nobody expected the Clips to put up a contest, but they were actually competitive. Kobe dropped 33 points (11-26 FG), eight boards and four steals, but L.A.’s favorite team “only” won by seven. Andrew Bynum added 26 and 13 boards, and Lamar Odom had 16 and 13 … All that talk about Baron Davis having a monster year after last season’s flop in L.A., and he goes out last night and put up a whole TWO points (1-10 FG) and gets outplayed by Sebastian Telfair … The Blazers had their now-customary insanely loud crowd for opening night when they knocked off the Rockets. Travis Outlaw scored 23 and Brandon Roy had 20, but Greg Oden had the most intriguing line: 2 points, 12 boards, 7 turnovers, 5 fouls, 5 blocks. Guess they really are going with that “Focus on defense and rebounding” thing, huh? … The early verdict on the Rockets? They simply don’t have the thoroughbreds to run with a really good team. Aaron Brooks (19 pts) and Trevor Ariza (12 pts) are plenty fast, but they were outgunned last night … Gilbert Arenas put up numbers on the Mavs in the Wizards’ opening night upset win, and you can’t say he looked bad, but he didn’t look quite right either, ya know? He’s still fast and can get into the lane, but Gil seems almost like he’s rooted to the floor. Instead of exploding, he’s scooting … When Arenas (29 pts, 10-21 FG, 9 asts) wasn’t scoring, he was passing. He set up Brendan Haywood for a couple of dunks in the firtst quarter where the court mics picked up Haywood sounding like he was having sex with the rim. A little too similar to the sounds we hear coming out of women’s tennis players … The runaway early front-runner for most disturbing local NBA commercial is the Mavericks’ spot we saw last night where there’s copious amounts of non-discreet Rick Carlisle junk on display while Coach wears a pair of John Stockton shots … Dirk Nowitzki had 34 points and nine boards in the loss, while Shawn Marion added 16 points, seven boards and three blocks. And Matrix looks severely aged rocking the baldie look … We’re out like Big Baby …