Smack / Nov 1, 2009 / 2:02 am

Old-Fashioned Butt Cooking

Tony Parker

Breaking down the first-week performances of the serious 2010 title contenders, Spurs announcer Sean Elliott messed up his words and said the Lakers took an “old-fashioned butt cooking” from the Mavs on Friday night. As it turns out, that was the best way to describe what the Spurs were about to do to the Kings on Saturday … Despite Sacramento starting probably the worst frontcourt in the League (Jason Thompson, Sean May, Desmond Mason), it was one of those nights where Tim Duncan didn’t have to do much and could let the smaller guys go to work. Tony Parker had 24 points and seven dimes, and Richard Jefferson finally got off for 21 points; Duncan (7 pts) and DeJuan Blair just cleaned up any mess, pulling down 10 boards apiece. The Spurs were up 20-plus in the third quarter and sat the stars for the fourth … And because things can always get worse for the Kings, Tyreke Evans (6 pts, 6 asts) hurt his ankle in the second half and didn’t return … How’s this for some Halloween craziness: In the first quarter, a bat flew onto the court — like an actual bat, not a baseball bat — scaring the sh*t out of half the players and stopping the game in its tracks. So Manu Ginobili casually smacks the bat out of mid-air with one hand, picks it up and carries it to somebody who could get rid of it, gets his hand sprayed with sanitizer and goes about his business … Speaking of the Mavs, there was no predictable letdown as they came off the big national TV win at Staples and registered, well, another win at Staples. The Clippers withstood a 17-3 run in the third quarter — capped by a Dirk Nowitzki mid-range jumper that made one L.A. announcer say, “He’s the best shooter IN THE WORLD from that distance!” — and tied it up in the fourth. Jason Terry hit a three to get the lead back, and a Jason Kidd alley-oop to Erick Dampier a little later gave Dallas some breathing room before Dirk (24 pts, 9 rebs) stuck a baseline J with 30 seconds left for the dagger … Believe it or not, L.A.’s fourth-quarter comeback was sparked by Craig Smith playing solid defense on Dirk, and by Sebastian Telfair‘s offense. With Baron Davis on the bench, Bassy was sticking jumpers, setting guys up for inside buckets, and one time caught Dirk cold on an in-and-out in the lane to get himself a layup. Smith forced Dirk into several misses in the fourth, and almost gave L.A. a chance at a last-ditch run when he stripped Dirk but threw an ‘oop intended for Rasual Butler out of bounds .. The Clips’ announcers insisted that Rick Carlisle looks exactly like Jim Carrey, and thought it was the funniest thing in the world … Nothing like getting a couple of patsies on the schedule to get your swagger back. The Cavs got their first win of the season by running through the Wolves on Friday, then last night stomped the Bobcats. Delonte West made his season debut, and the home crowd gave him a standing ovation before he put up 13 points off the bench. Mo Williams (24 pts) and West capitalized on LeBron (14 pts, 9 asts) getting them open looks in the second half, and the ‘Cats were held below 80 points again … The Rockets have to be getting sick of looking at Brandon Roy. He gave them 42 points last night (13-13 FT) in Houston’s home opener, but whenever B-Roy got the Blazers close, Trevor Ariza (33 pts) or Aaron Brooks (28 pts) would hit a shot to keep the score just out of reach … When Ariza has his jumper going early, he’s going to put up a lot of points with the Rockets. But unlike a B-Roy type of scorer, he’s not going to beat a lot of guys off the dribble and get himself tough buckets (or to the line) when his J isn’t hitting. His handle just isn’t that good yet … Other notable stat lines from Saturday: Gilbert Arenas put up 32 points and seven assists and Andray Blatche scored 30 in a win over New Jersey; and Brandon Jennings had 24 points and three steals in a win over Detroit, while Ben Gordon scored 26 in the loss … The Sixers are looking like they can replicate the high-octane offense Eddie Jordan had in Washington, but sometimes also look like they can be just as bad as those Wizards were defensively. With five seconds left in the fourth quarter of Sixers/Knicks, Andre Iguodala let Chris Duhon blow right by him, and when no help D arrived, Duhon had an uncontested layup that forced overtime. (The Knicks scored 41 in the fourth.) But in their second consecutive game to go to extra frames, New York fell apart, giving up 17 straight points after Al Harrington (42 pts) fouled out and leaving the MSG fans searching for a replacement chant for “Fire Isiah” … Iguodala finished with 32 points, 11 boards and eight assists, Lou Williams posted a 27-10-7 line, and Thaddeus Young — described as an “uncanny shot-maker” by Clyde Frazier — scored 25 points … Just when you think Larry Hughes should be mummified, he drops 18 points, five boards, six assists and four steals off the bench. For a guy nobody wanted to talk to in the locker room pre-game, he was pretty popular afterward … For the Knicks home opener, they brought in the Jabbawockeez (apparently doing the NBA circuit this week) and had some elaborate WWE-style intros. Stephon Marbury was even in the building sitting courtside, but disappeared sometime during the first quarter. One of our guys who was at the game heard that Steph had paid for a second-row seat, but somehow ended up in Spike Lee‘s usual seat in the front row before security kicked him out … We’re out like Starbury …

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  • QQ

    Sean Elliot just made himself a new nickname:

    Old-Fashioned Butt Kisser.

  • Bruce

    Dejuan Blair cringled like a little girl.

    You are going to get it now, Manu…..Expect a lawsuit from PETA.

  • http://www.petsocietyhelp.com Pet Society Help

    Stephon Marbury should go back to eating vaseline or whatever else he uses it for.

  • “Tha Boddy” Agent Zero Returns

    Thanx alot Tim Grover you have returned a top 10 NBA player (Gilbert Arenas) back to form and your second top 10 player in two years (Second D-Wade)

  • willsmithismydad

    new nickname idea: batmanu?

  • John

    Tim Grover is in another reality ,,, Nobody does what he does by a mile of distance ,,, Jermaine Oneal seems like a little boy running the floor with 2 22ptos, 12reb games, and Agent Zero is just killing people without Butler and Jamison ..

  • mavs all the way

    my mavs are getting started…

    i hear you Bruce; expect that hate mails from PETA.

    Jennings’ pretty solid. and Galo too. I really hope they can keep it up.

    Arenas is back. What’s his average now? 30pts 10asts per?

    Mavs all the way.

  • gregory

    I’ve been really surprised at the skills Ariza’s shown. I thought he was strictly a spot up shooter and off the ball cutter with limited handle and few moves to speak of. But he’s pretty good at shooting off the dribble and creating his own shot. His footwork is very good. I certainly didn’t think he could play the pick and roll but he’s pretty decent at it. He can use it to get free for his own shot but most impressive to me is that he’s also able to utilize it to find open guys. His vision and willingness to pass are good–he’s not a black hole or one-dimensional. He is much better than a role player. He could end up averaging 18-20 points with a good shooting percentage, 6 rebounds and 3 or so assists.

  • Octopus Jonny

    I’m callin Jennings for ROY, he’s my early pick, and not just cuz I’m a Bucks fan, either. This kid is an absolute STUD.

  • Soopa

    How can a big guy like Blatche have a game like that (32 pts, 15-18 shooting in 27mins) and not attempt a single free throw? I wanna watch that game lol

    Im putting my neck out and saying by the end of the season CDR is gonna get the most improved player award

    And just how crazy was that Manu vs Bat thing? I mean thats CRAZY!

  • QQ

    Also, because I didn’t venture here for like eternity, what do you cats think of T-Mac? Is he still in the Rockets roster? What do you think of Ariza taking T-mac’s number and delivering like crazy in his first few games?

    Yeah, yeah, I still got the hate.

  • QQ

    @ Soopa:

    You know how crazy?

    It’s BATshit insane!!!!!!!!!

  • jdstorm


    We should just start calling Manu the joker

    In Breaking News…

    Mike Vick is hoping no Warewolves stick around for sunday’s eagles game, as his team mates might actually have to rely on him to do something this year.

  • sh!tfaced

    If Manu is The Joker then we they start calling Delonte Two-Face. LOL

    Man, “The Big Cock” Gallinari still can’t get no love in Smack despite scoring 30 and draining 8 treys.

  • http://shootingbasketballtips.blogspot.com/ Dodge Taylor

    You did that whole Dime without mentioning The Rooster’s 30 points including EIGHT triples in his first start for the Knicks??

  • that’s whats up

    Manu thought it was the Chupacabra

  • control

    With “Cockboy” scoring 30, and sinking 8 3s…NY fans are going to vote him to start on the All Star team for the next 3 years. Even if he doesn’t play another game in his life. That is how overhyped ppl who play for NY are.

  • rangerjohn


    yeah the 1st words out of my wifes mouth, “oh PETA is gonna love that”. then whe went into “did you see that” mode.

  • liukz


    thats the name for the white bat in ace ventura 2

  • Name (required)

    i was so disappointed when i saw that bat thing. it was about 10 times smaller than i imagined it.
    last nights 30 points makes Gallinari the top scorer of the 2008 draft class rite now, hopefully hes guna make all the people who were writing him off look foolish……….. i wish my nickname was “The Big Cock”

  • Ross

    It’s official: Manu will never cease to amaze me on the court.

  • yourdribbleizcookiez

    …So basically, Marbury has been regulated to sneaking into and getting kicked out of basketball games like an underage kidd at the club? How sad, you knew sh*t was going downhill once he stamped that star on his noggin…

  • LAballer

    hahaha that bat thing is the ONLY thing manu has ever done that has made me like him..from his falling on the court after someone breathes on him to his ridiculous bald spot..he annoys the hell out of me..that bat thing tho..he just moved up a rung on the ladder for me..hes now as likeable as a mosquito..and sean elliot is the PERFECT announcer for the spurs..he adds to the annoyance of that entire organization =]

    im REALLY happy ariza is gettin some shine..he truly deserves it..he wasn’t able to showcase all of his skills with our offense and team but he’s handling things with houston..kobe has taught him well (speak haters..go ahead)

    agent zero is back!! cant wait to watch their big 3 finally play some games together..that’s also probably because jamison’s on my fantasy squad..


  • heartbreaker85

    just saw the whole clip on ESPN, two things:

    1. manu needs to pay PETA some serious dough so they wont get on his case (amazing hand speed though!)

    2. we saw you ducking and cringing dejuan blair. you stud pussy.

  • control

    Stud pussy, haha.

    I’m really surprised Manu didn’t flop when he touched the bat…


    Just saw the clip about the bat thing. Damn. That shit was bigger than I expected, not the bat, but Manu’s bald spot.

  • BMW

    Where’s Ozzy when you need him?

  • baron von faulk

    Manu is actually Bruce Wayne in reality.

    Bat-Manu, I like it.

  • QQ

    @ control:

    hahahahaha.. That’s comedy right there

  • baron von faulk

    @LABaller, the Spurs organization is annoying?

    Dude, you just hatin’ on your fiercest competition, and one that never had to BUY a championship. It is remarkable that such a small Texas team can stay competitive while remaining fiscally responsible. Only now after all this time have they elected to go beyond the luxury tax to keep up with the more lavish ownership groups, such as the “unbeatable” Lakers.

    You know you would rather have a franchise run like SA’s for the past 10 years than say, the Warriors, Clippers, Knicks…now THAT would be annoying, being run into the ground with no chance at the title year after year.

    It’s really because the Lakers are so good that I hate on ‘em. It’s easy to hate when they pose a serious threat, and I can readily admit the facts.

    And that’s what the Spurs and Lakers are to each other, a LEGITIMATE threat to each other’s aspirations. I’m sick of faggy Kobe sack-riders writing off all the other teams as if they have no shot.

    After several years of losing out (and not even making the playoffs I recall), I expected Lakers fans to have some class (well, not really) and enjoy being back on top of the perch, but instead they just rub it in everybody’s face like a bunch of intolerant, egomaniacal douchebags.

    But hell no, we still have to hear about Duncan’s bug-eye routine, Manu flops and is balding, Mr. Longoria is French, Sean Elliott is a homer (NO SHIT DUMBASSES!), they play boring basketball, Bruce Bowen still does karate, Robert Horry still plays hockey, they whine 100x more than all the other players, and don’t forget…

    …they’re oooooold, and dirrrrrrrty….annd….dirrrrrrrtyyyy.


  • baron von faulk

    And to reiterate this breaking news flash, you may not have heard about this:




    AP Associated Press release, NOV 2009

  • baron von faulk

    This is weird to post a couple days after the fact, but I just got done reading this argument from the other Smack (DUNCAN v OLAJUWON), which has already been on this site a million times.

    I feel it my obligation as both a fan of the current Spurs, and the old-school 94-95 Rockets, to point this out:

    DAVID ROBINSON guarded HAKEEM OLAJUWON one-on-one almost the entire series. And he paid the price and got beasted, self-admittedly. Whenever they did double, Hakeem either fought through it and still got the bucket, or made the right pass to a teammate.

    The Houston Rockets sent quadruple teams at the Admiral because the Spurs had NOBODY else to go to. So you absolutely must consider these facts when talking about that monumental series for Olajuwon. The stats are a bit skewed because the Rockets were a superior TEAM. It was one-on-five for the Admiral.

  • rangerjohn

    @ # 30
    now thats good shit right there

  • ab_40

    is that manu ish online already?

    and ariza 33 pts man kenny smith was wrong saying he’s an 8 shot per game player. and I know the blazers wanna win now but it ain’t gonna happen unless G.O develops into a dominant inside player so here is what they need to doe FEED THE BIG MAN

  • QQ

    @ 31:

    Yeah, Sean Elliot’s been taking Spurs money since the 90’s but good to see ya admit he’s one big homer. Cause he is.

  • baron von faulk


    Biggest one there is! And hey, good to see the Magic kicking major ass in the East man.

  • QQ

    Big ups man! I would like us to dominate the comp just to see Garnett and his fake ass teammates shut up. LOL.


    ^^^^^^^ Not with Vince Carter’s fake durability. LOL.

  • Ian

    you sir are the second person that knows that posters here just watch one highlight (chicagorilla) from the entire series en think that they guarded each other one one one. 5-1 and dave still avged 24ppg and the series went 6. the admiral won the alltime series 30-12 when he wasnt tripled team all day. that is what ive been sayin the best team won and yes hakeem ranks higher than dave but by a slim margin those are 2 most similar careers ever.

    the manu hate damn but that was the first game i saw this year and damnnnnn that bald spot is getting bigger time to shave it all manu or hit rogaine.

  • QQ

    @ 38:

    Yall know me. I always had my hate on soft ass Vince. Even when we got him, I wasn’t one of those cats screaming ‘ORLANDO KILLED IT!!! ITS OVAAAARRR!!!!’, Imma fan of Orlando, but imma fan of the game too. I know nothing can be that easy in this league. Thing is though, he’s on my team now. I gotta watch out fo my cats. And his play isn’t half bad, I gotta give props to the dude.

  • http://www.nukedasouth.net Chicagorilla

    3:30am and niccas is still posting my name. I guess being wrong is something you enjoy doing.

  • Sweet English

    Standing ovation?

    ‘Shit stand up and give this man a round of applause, did you here how much heat he packed onto a fucking MOTORBIKE? Anyone who can hide a spaz on a bike gets a round of applause in Cleveland, YEEAHH DELONTE!’

    why the HELL did he get a round of applause? Someone tell me.

  • SWAT

    @ QQ i dont think anyone answered your question about Tmac and ariza’s number change. Mac was doing some charity work and his new number is supposed to represent tht…at least thts wht thy say.