The Most Annoying NBA Player ever created
Kendrick Perkins
I can’t resist season preview magazines. NBA, NFL, college, MLB, I’m a sucker for those thick annual issues that I’ll pore through in a couple of sittings before the season, then rarely open during the season. (Speaking of, keep an eye out for Dime #53, our NBA/college/high school preview issue.)
Every few years, one of the preview mags will do a feature where they create the “perfect” player for their sport, Dr. Frankenstein-style. You’ve seen it before: e.g., Chris Paul’s eyes (for passing), Barbosa’s legs (for speed), Ray Allen’s arms (for shooting), Duncan’s feet (for fundamentals), and so on.
But what about going the other way? Which parts would form together to make up the most annoying NBA player ever?
* Kendrick Perkins’ face — What are you so mad about? I understand the whole thing with having your game-face and trying to look intimidating, and I know you’ve been hanging with KG lately, but there’s a point when you go overboard and it borders on comical. The only time Perk drops the mean-mug is when he gets called for a foul, then it turns into a world-class whiny face. (Runner-up votes for Kobe Bryant, Oleksiy Pecherov, and Stephen Jackson.)
* Manu Ginobili’s hair — I can tell every time my boy Jed is watching a Spurs game, because he never fails to send an e-mail about Manu’s bald spot. I used to think the spot was overrated, but watching Spurs/Bulls last week … I mean, damn. Remember when the NHL had the glowing puck on TV to help novice hockey fans keep up with the game? That’s what Manu’s head looks like now. (Runner-up votes for Brian Skinner, Birdman, and Rasheed Wallace.)
* Dwight Howard’s build — In the words of Kevin Hart, “Dude, why are you still [in the gym]? That’s it; you won!” Chalk this up to annoyance-via-envy. (Runner-up votes for Alexis Ajinca, Jerome James, and Brian Scalabrine.)
* Brad Miller’s tattoos — Forget the tat on his left bicep with the old AND 1 logo guy and some Chinese lettering next to it. Forget the sun on his right shoulder and whatever he has on his left forearm and his chest. Miller has a tat on his right bicep of Scrappy-Doo. I hated Scrappy-Doo when I was a kid. (Runner-up votes for DeShawn Stevenson, Birdman, and Tim Duncan.)
* Joakim Noah’s jump shot — It’s always funny when Noah misses one of his broke-down J’s and the announcers are just silent for a few seconds. What else can you say? And Noah had the nerve to do the “You can’t see me” thing after hitting a jumper the other night? (Runner-up vote for Shawn Marion.)
* Zach Randolph’s handle — Z-Bo might be my favorite player in the League, but even I cringe sometimes when he tries to show off his Iverson game. He always looks like he’s one flinch away from creating a turnover. (Runner-up vote for Anderson Varejao.)
Weak
* Dunks like Jamaal Magloire — I’m 5-foot-8. All I want to do is be able to dunk one time. Then I see this 6-11 dude wasting his gift with that stupid hide-your-eyes dunk that makes me want to hide my eyes. You ain’t Dee Brown. You ain’t even Cedric Ceballos. (Runner-up vote for Brendan Haywood and his Sharapova grunts.)
* Runs like Adam Morrison — My Dad is 49 years old, 5-3 and 200-plus pounds, goes to a chiropractor twice a week, and recently found out he has damaged meniscus in his right knee. And he still runs more smoothly than Morrison.
* J.R. Smith’s swagger — I like the Nuggets, so I don’t mind it when J.R. is dropping 30-footers at the end of a blowout, slapping his defender on the ass after scoring on him, or wearing that shit-eating grin on his face after dunking on somebody. But I can understand how if you didn’t like the Nuggets, you’d want to reach through the TV and punch him. (Runner-up votes for Eddie House, Kobe Bryant, and Paul Pierce.)
* Talks like Tommy Heinsohn — His team NEVER commits a foul, they ALWAYS get jobbed by the refs, and they NEVER lose games on their own. I’ve had to turn away from some good Celtics’ games because I just couldn’t listen to Heinsohn anymore. (Runner-up votes for Brian Scalabrine, Phil Jackson, and Bill Walton.)
* Random mannerisms and idiosyncrasies — Steve Nash’s playing with the hair, LeBron’s holding the face and rolling around after a foul, Marc Gasol’s pocket pool at the free-throw line, and Reggie Evans’ pocket pool in other people’s pockets.
* And of course, the most annoying NBA player ever created would be a proud graduate of Duke University.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 9:13 am
Big B says:
Kendrick Perkins looks like he should be living under a bridge collecting tolls.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:13 am
Chicagorilla says:
LMAO!!! thats spot on for the most part.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:13 am
vince says:
1. Chris mullin’s hairy shoulders and back.*
2. Kemp’s X-legs.*
3. Detlef Schrempf’s scar.*
4. Chris Gatling’s bald spot.*
5. Sheed’s white spot.*
*Those came from my “425 reasons I still watch the NBA”. Might post them all here sometime.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:16 am
the_don_mega says:
“Reggie Evans’ pocket pool in other people’s pockets.” – LMFAO!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 am
QQ says:
No need to create an article like this when Eddie House is already created.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
calvin brodus says:
this list is pretty good. are birdmans hair and tats really that bad though? i dont have any tats myself and find most of the ones i see regretful. but the wings on birdmans arms are pretty sweet. hes got flocks are birds on his legs now as well.
im with you on jr. i love the dude, and when hes feeling it, hes FEELING IT. but there were a few times in the playoffs last year when he got a little to crazy with the celebrating. i kept thinking to myself, “chauncey needs to get over there and chill jr the fuck out. hes gonna piss off kobe!” and as a nuggets fan, your biggest fears are AC in the starting lineup or pissed off kobe.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am
Celt4life says:
Tommy Heinsohn is hands down the best at what he does. I watch the free pass for NBA each year (DVR all my shows for that week)and can’t stand the other commentators. Their so weak and unknowledgeable it’s pathetic. As far as Perkins, he had that look as a rookie so KG had nothing to do with it. Yeah you should have added Queen James who is hurt (touched)on every drive.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:59 am
Dee says:
I Think Kendrick Perkins is probably the most annoying player in all of the NBA. He pops off at the mouth for no good reason. he is weak ass player on a great team.
Why you gotta hate on Duke tho? I love Duke lol
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
Maynard says:
I don’t know, I think even with the Type 1 diabetes and post-ACL tear, Adam Morrison most likely still runs better than your father, based on description. Unless that was hyperbole, but this site never, ever, ever uses hyperbole.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:02 am
rc says:
Brian Scalabrine on two handed blocks ( remember two handed block on ben gordon in last years play off). Reminds me of Kobe pinning rasul butler on the backboard with two hands.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
Boomhauer says:
Most annoying player? Anyone on the Celtics.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:34 am
45% says:
kevin martin’s shot is painful to watch.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
boombastic says:
Bill Walton is hands down the best announcer ever….Walton for president
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
The Real Tyrone says:
Ain’t no doubt ya’ll that the most annoyin NBA player be Eddy Curry. Cat be getting millions but he ain’t be doing shit yo. Cat got dem skillz but he ain’t committed to bein a baller; cat be a disgrace to brothers everywhere. I be hatin’ fat cats like dat.
True thugs NEVER lie.
The REAL Tyrone
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:43 am
zaboo says:
Garnett with his snarls directed at ppl a foot smaller than him. Artest needs to help him with an attitude adj.
@Boomhauer, you’re right on the money.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:45 am
Slink says:
LMAO! Great article! QQ hit the nail on the head though lol.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:47 am
QQ says:
LOL @ 9.
Those ‘Gerald Green should be on a roster’ and ‘T-Mac can still play’ articles further proves that this site NEVER uses hyperbole.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:49 am
Citizen B says:
Kurt Thomas’ stare – it got him a tech once, just for looking at a ref
Damon Jones teeth – oh wait….he’s not, is he.
Michael Ruffin – looks like an Orc from LOTR
Rip Hamilton – that wirey neck hair on his adam’s apple
Dirk Nowitzki’s confidence
Kirk Hinrich’s white – is there anything whiter?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Chaos says:
i think you just should have said brian scalabrine and we all would have agreed…low blow on Reggie Evans…even tho his blows are lower
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
zaboo says:
oh man damon jones was pretty annoying too. he reminds me of the guys at the park/gym that suck but make all the noise when their boy, who’s actually good and doesnt talk about it, does something.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
PJ says:
wow. no one mentions sasha vujacic? I want someone to punch him in the face during the game ala kermit washington. He’s like Danny Ainge 2.0.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:26 am
control says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh2fn01cngg
In tribute of Zach Randolph. Only one person in the world (including his mom and boyfriend) have him as their favorite player in the world, and that person is Austin Burton. Zach Randolph’s one and only fan. Even Zach’s own ego doesn’t like him, and thinks he sucks as a person, and a basketball player.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
control says:
BTW, most annoying player: Anderson Vagina.
Now that he is making 50 fucking million dollars for being an absolute horrible basketball player, he is now the most annoying player in NBA history. Here is a guy who has one of the best basketball players in the world on his team, and he waves him off to brick a mid range jumper in closing seconds of a game.
A guy who can’t play defense without landing on his face or ass. A guy who can play offense without landing on his face or ass. A guy who can’t dribble, shoot, pass, catch the ball, move with the ball, move without the ball, move without falling on his face or ass, or stop looking like a douche bag.
Anderson Vagina, the most annoying person in NBA history. A guy who shouldn’t even BE in the NBA…but hey, he has a lot of energy.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
RobertGingebreadman says:
LMFAO!!! The Joakim Noah Passage (Classic) I Seen Him Do That Played Out Tony Yayo Shit Too. LOL And The Dwight Howard Passage I Feel You On That Too. All His Big Ass Can Do Is Dunk. He Has No Post Moves At All. In My Eyes He Just Big For Nothing.LOL HA Bitch
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
ejay says:
dont forget le bron james’ crab dribble
GAH
a crab dribble is when you travel – caron butler
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Name (required) says:
JJ Redick with Marburys crazy, Marions Jumper, Shaqs weight, Nates Height and darkos draft spot.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Gunner J. Matthews says:
You forgot the free throw shooting of Chuck Hayes. As a rockets fan, its hard to watch
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Guitar Hero says:
House, JR Smith, Vujacic, Varejão and Perkins make my all-annoying NBA team.
But the GOAT is Danny Ainge. Man, he was SO annoying back in the day. I want to punch him right now.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Celts Fan says:
My list:
Hair: the Shane Battier “natural cornrows” look is my favorite. When he shaves his head, does he have to pay people to pull it apart so he can get the crevaces?
Face: Kobe – stick that bottom lip out a little more, you don’t look enough like a mongaloid
Eyes: Duncan – the bug-eyed, “How come that foul’s on me?” look is classic… and terrible.
Body: Scal – He looks like that out of shape dude at your over-40 YMCA league that everyone’s concerned may have a heart-attack on the court.
Heart: Tim Thomas – I was gonna write something on this, but then I just gave up on it. WTF, I already got paid…
Legs: Greg Oden – your future “franchise center” has a leg that’s an inch shorter than another. Good luck with that.
Brain: Monta Ellis/Big Baby – Great idea fellas. Sign a new contract, then do some STUPID ish and miss time.
Handle: Tony Allen – Have you seen him dribble?!? Pretty sure Stephen Hawking has a better crossover.
Shot: Tony Allen again – They do pay you for this TA. Remember when Amare blew out his knee and he came back with a jumper? You blew out your knee and came back and just blew.
Tats: DeShawn – Seriously? A backwords P on your face and a $5 bill on your neck. They don’t make drugs strong enough to convince me that’d be a good idea.
Talks like: Jason Kidd, I know this is like 7 years old, but when someone beats their wife then has the sack to complain that a Playoff crowd chanted wife beater at him, I mean, those things must have their own orbit. Just a thought, but if you don’t wanna hear taunts about wife beating, TRY NOT BEATING YOUR WIFE!
Dresses like: LeBron – dude dresses like Urkel trying to dress like Kanye.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
mosduff says:
man… i wish i could write pointless stuff like this and get paid to do it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
control says:
Celts Fan
In Jason Kidd’s defense, his wife was an absolute bitch, and still is. I don’t condone beating women or anything, but sometimes a line is crossed. Everything I heard and seen about and from her made me want to lay down some beats on her…and I ain’t even married to the bitch.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
GABRIEL BROGDEN says:
Kobe’s new UGLY face. With the bottom teeth showing and everything. Awww Celts Fan said that, well…
CP’s permanent “somebody just smacked the back of my head but I don’t know who did it” look.
Deshawn = NBA’s Pigpen
Delonte’s ‘anything you get tatted on your neck, i can do better’ ink (and bigger and uglier to go along with it)
Nick Young’s 4-week old mohawk with fuzzy sides.
Lou Williams still lookin’ like a high school draft pick. He’s like a 4 yr vet now.
Celts fan, you forgot about Tim Duncan’s homecourt haircut. Never fails, every home game, Timmy is shawrp. Usually pulls a double dub to match the fade.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Buffalo Brave says:
LMAO nice article!
And ROFL @ Control’s take on Anderson Vagina!
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Scoty says:
You could create this player in a lab and they still wouldn’t be as annoying as Sasha Vujacic.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
The Cannon says:
Sasha Vujacic… the most annoying player in the L. He swears he never fouls… all the crying when the wistle blows is just too much… With his weak ass J that he hits every other game… and that damn girly ass head band he wears…
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Ian says:
manu is my fav player everrr but i have yet to see the spurs play the only thing i see is the bald spot my god it used to be overrated like austin said but now damn. it used to be sheed that bothered me but now its not even close.
kobes bottom lip celts fan nailed that one and yes timmeh u did foul that player so get those eyes back in your head.
shot baron davis the man thinks he can score from outside 4 feet.
body tmac the glass man.
tats im sorry but ima put tyson here.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Ian says:
control
u cant be mad at anderson cuz hes better than scal and everyone is better than kobes number one fan the machine. who here doesnt wanna slap that bitch headband he wears?
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
the cynic says:
i think you just built Sasha Vujacic twin brother
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
zaboo says:
Voices: Richard Jefferson & Tim Duncan
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Kobeef says:
FUCK rondo hes the biggest bitch of em all
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
40 cal bouncemag.com says:
this is hilarious!
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Ross says:
Wow, I say something bad about Kobe and my post gets deleted? Classy, Dime. I thought you guys were cooler than that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Ian says:
zaboo
lol jefferson wins that one or maybe artest he sounds a bit slow when he talks.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
kid 5 G says:
Yo, when is ish #53 gonna drop ?
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
s.e. says:
man, you went hard on that ginobili/neon hockey puck comparison
louis amundson and matt barnes have to be somewhere in the conversation. they were one of the reasons it was entertaining to watch the suns last year. they were like a tag team of heels in pro wrestling.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
AdvancedMind says:
Eddie houses dribbling ability and speed at the PG postion.
Big baby Davis’s Man titts.
Bill Cartwrights jumper
Yao’s legs Aka the human balling pin.
John Amichi’s extra enjoyment in the locker room.
The way Corey Brewer moves.
The way Shaq talks.
Elton Brands head and arms.
Chris Kamens hair.
Kendrick perkins fucking face in general.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Skeez says:
Im with AB on the Heinson thing. I live in Boston and I’m subject to that old fart crying and complaining EVERYTIME there is a call aganist the C’s. Drives me crazy.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Lonnie Long says:
im surprised starbury wasent mentioned more
November 4th, 2009 at 5:41 am
fLaVa says:
Chuck Hayes FT Form has to be on that list SOMEWHERE!!!
November 4th, 2009 at 9:23 am
sh!tfaced says:
LOL@Celts Fan… especially that how LeBron dresses line.
All-time? Maybe Isiah Thomas and Christian Laettner come might close to those descriptions.
Kendrick Perkins’ face does look like he just stepped on fresh stinkin’ shit all the time… And that Duke grad line… Cold. But damn true. LOL.
And maybe you forgot to add Rondo’s jumper, Starbury’s delusion/insanity and Ron Artest’s volatile temper and weirdness.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
spock says:
c’mon man lay off perk, the guy is the enforcer.
all annoying team
perk
varejao
kobe
house
vujacic (whiny face)
mo
calderon (real good whiny face)
kg (you have to admit – he backed down when big shaq gave him an elbow)
tan van gundy
November 21st, 2009 at 9:10 am
brendan galella says:
You left out Tim Duncan’s bug eyes, Amar’e Stoudemires goggles, Sheldon Williams’ hands and we’d have to throw in Drew Gooden’s dunktail for good measure. http://www.blogcdn.com/www.fanhouse.com/media/2007/08/gooden_patch_tz_180.jpg
Otherwise, everything else was perfect, and coach K is the only person that could deal with this guy.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Dayo says:
What of “Talks like Sean Elliot”? I can hardly see any difference between the way he talks and the way Tommy Heinsohn talks except they do it for different teams. I think Sean’s even worse! I’m surprised he doesn’t fall dead whenever the SPURS lose!