Before LeBron James causes a party in one city and breaks hearts in five others, the teams still in pursuit of the NBA’s biggest star are undoubtedly vying for one last audience with LBJ before he goes live on-air at 9 p.m. on ESPN. What will those teams say to LeBron should they get his ear for a last-ditch pitch? Next up: Chicago:

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LeBron,

You say that you want to be a global icon? You want to eclipse what Michael, ahem Air Jordan, has done? Come to the Windy City, baby. Please. Forget about “Family Guy,” we’ve got Bill Murray.

I told you recently why you should come here. Here’s my final pitch, take it or leave it:

For most of your career, Cleveland has been a mess of bald dudes (Big Z), bad haircuts (Gooden) and bad hair designs (Boobie). New York only knows how to overpay fat dudes, and Miami has like two guys on their team right now. We will get you what you need.

Remember Michael? Yeah, we got him Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant from the Draft. We traded for Bill Cartwright and signed John Paxson. For the second three-peat — yeah, we’ve got six rings and looking to make it 10 — we traded for Dennis Rodman and got Toni Kukoc. We know what we’re doing.

Hell, I would say Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer are a good start. Our team is tailor-made for you. Even your boy D-Wade tweeted congrats to us for signing “1 of the greatest human beings I know ‘C Booz.’” We will have everything you need. Every decision we make, we will run it by you. If you want Mike Ditka as your coach, we’ll give him a call.

That said, we’ve hired a great new coach in Tom Thibodeau. Cleveland has some guy who got run out of New Jersey by his players. Miami’s coach is like 13.

In our organization, we do things right. And all of our teammates get along; no one is out trying to bag someone else’s mom. You guys do have some great dance routines over there in Cleveland, but you’re losing a key component in Shaquille O’Neal (probably). It’ll never be the same, so get over it. It’s done. Finished.

Noah doesn’t have great rhythm, but the city does have this. And they even named a Broadway Show after us.

Forbes called Cleveland the fifth least family-friendly city in the country. People are bouncing so quickly, LeBron, that it’s like the premiere of a Keanu Reeves movie. And why would you want to stay in the fourth-poorest city in America? The only worse places are Detroit, Buffalo and Cincinnati. Newark sucks. South Beach is fake. And New York will turn you into A-Rod.

Uno alone is better than all of Ohio combined.

Chicago is also known for producing great overall people like Chris Farley, Eddy Curry and Mr. T. No one else can say they built the first black U.S. president ever or the first Oprah. We can.

Overall, Chicago is the place to be. There is everything you want here, a perfect mix. And if you win us a couple of championships, we will build you a statue.

But hey, the Cleveland Orchestra is one of the best in the world. I’m sure you are up on your Beethoven.

And I swear we won’t sign Delonte.

Truly Yours,

Chicago

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