• http://www.sactownroyalty.com Willis

    I feel stupider after having read this whole thing. Position face fully in palm.

  • clib

    has the season started yet? …

  • kidk

    Toronto should go back to their “original” name, the Huskies, who played the first game of the Basketball Association of America (the precursor to the NBA) against the Knicks 1946-1947.

    It was also their alternate jersey last year.

    Go Huskies!

  • MattO

    I really like Charlotte Flight…also cuz MJ’s an owner

  • Kudabeen

    Wow…I was interested in a real way, but the article just didn’t do it for me.

    In reality many sport teams don’t reflect their city or their fanbase…I would use it as a PR push to have the fans in the respective cities name their teams…

    Teams like Lakers, Celtics, Steelers, Cowboys, etc. wouldn’t have a need to change because of History and meaning of those names to fans that are passionate….

    What they hell does a 76er mean to today’s fan? And before some smartass thinks they are going to school me about my own city and the Declaration of Independence with 1776…the name came out of a contest for fans to pick the name…how it should be.

    You would include the original name and top suggestions.

    The Washington Obamas though?? This could have been better. Good topic, but the content killed it…

  • Kudabeen

    No the Washington “Fighin” Obamas…wow


  • Nizzio

    Stupid article

  • kicks

    The pre-season could not have started sooner, so we finally got rid of these summer writers’ fluff piec… Oh wait, nevermind.

  • Jake

    Sorry, this was not funny, not anything that relates to a good read. I shoulda known better by looking at the lead picture of underwear.

  • channs

    a clipper is a ship i think …

  • jryu

    i couldn’t even get past the first two teams before scrolling down to the comments. A for effort (and time spent probably), F- for execution.

  • Taj

    @ Willis,

    I thought the same thing too.. but there were a couple good zingers in there.

  • Ian

    riverwalkers?? ehhh no

  • Taj

    LMAO @ The Cleveland Parlimentarians…

  • Ryan

    This is true the Orlando Magic were almost called the Orlando Juice=Orange Juice

  • Ryan

    is it the funny?

  • NTstateOFmind

    hands down- the worst article I’ve ever read on this Dime blog …and I’ve been reading since issue #1

    how about we rename the writer of this?

    Jorge Azze-pirate

  • charley

    I believe that the Bulls and Bears are actually based on the idea that Chicago used to be the epicenter of all economy in america (economy….Bull and Bear). The other teams are much older and thier names are more history based. Except the Chicago Fire….what a stupid stupid name. It was a major disaster in Chicago’s History. It would be like calling the New York Soccer team the “World Trade Centers”…let’s hope we never become that immune to that disaster.

  • That’s What’s Up

    Good one NT.

    I guess Jorge Sux-Azze was too harsh.

    I would rename Spurs the San Antonio Essays

  • NTstateOFmind


    agreed, maybe Jorge Sux-Azze-A-Writer is more fitting

    I never thought I’d say this, but Dime REALLY should hire Alf after this turd of a posting

  • George W Kush Sr

    I like Charlotte Flight, Toronto Huskies, Utah Salt-Lakers, New York Empire,

    I would suggest the LA Showbiz, The Miami Cartel, Milwaukee Beers (BASEketBall), Minnesota Blizzards

  • Mark

    pretty funny article. good entertainment. thank you!

  • That’s What’s Up

    rename Miami “The Three Flamingos”

  • money

    clipper is a ship, as in the san diego clippers based in a city known for its port
    this concept was funny but the execution was just so amateur, sorry man


    wow, he took a potentially amusing subject and ruined it by trying to be funny. all he had to do was try a little harder, come up with some original and plausible names and it would have worked. but no. he tried to be funny and came off sounding like a retard. Well done Jorge and well done Dime.

  • http://memorygoin.info/odd/ Brendon Lubbert

    my God, i believed you were going to chip in with some decisive insght at the end there, not leave it with ‘we leave it to you to decide’.

  • js_83

    Toronto is named after the velociraptor…which is not a bird.

  • NYK

    i had no idea work sucks so much that i would read this whole article

  • Phileus

    I knew the moment I started reading this article that half the comments would be hate.

    I think it’s just a new writer trying a little too hard to be witty, and it’s hard when you have to go through every. single. team. It was a really good idea though.

    The “Nets” is probably the worst name/logo in all of professional sports. It’s just mind-bogglingly stupid. Even their colors are boring. I really hope they change their name when they move.

  • JJ

    Just a poor attempt at humor. In every instance the new nickname was far worse than the old one.

  • TL

    L.A. Riots
    L.A. Crippers
    Oklahoma City Bombers
    New Orleans Girls Gone Wild
    Portland Hipsters
    Toronto All Red Everything

  • sh!tfaced

    LOL @ “Jersey Shorts”

    …and Atlanta’s should be Atlanta Teasers because that team is what’s all it’s gonna be.

  • Shee

    Yeah….. fuck the haters.

    This was a fun article, as is often the case on this site.

  • this article sucks

    This article sucks. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.

  • LB

    Hahahaha lighten up, everyone! Dont care what the haters say. This was a really entertaining read. The Cleveland Parliamentarians line had me rolling! The Alcatraz Warriors would be such a BADASS name. The name just sounds intimidating. The Alcatraz Warriors should sign Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason immediately! And the Houston Satellites is a good name too, cuz the Rockets aint gonna be nothing but satellites orbiting around the greatness of the Lakers!

  • LB

    LMAO at TL! Brilliant work, man. But since most hipsters blaze anyways, Blazers should stay. Maybe they can put hipsters on their alternate jerseys?

  • s.bucketz

    the sacramento johnsons?? this was 1 of the most pause-worthy pieces of literature since john aemechi dropped a book..there was more homoerotic sounding names but i dont wanna go back up and subject myself to reading it again..

    scientists discovered that raptors resemble something more like a chicken than a lizard

    the nets is the worst name..guess they had to follow suit with the jets and mets…makes it hard for me to b a fan of those squads

    @every commenter who said this was a decent article
    stop fakin jorge…we know its you

  • Otto

    Dang, I seem to be the only who thought this was one of the best Dime articles written in a while. Loosen up gentlemen. Just enjoy it for its creative content.

  • Alina

    I agree with Otto, loved this article. Never paid attention to all these team names until now. Very entertaining read. Lighten up people!

  • J 694

    Phoenix Border Patrol

    Atlanta Trap (they getting down)

    OKC Bombers (i agree w/ TL above)

    Seattle Fish Mongers (oh… forgot they don’t have a team anymore)

    I like 76ers, but get rid of the rabbit. We need Ben Franklin to join the squad as mascot.

    Also, I thought Gilbert and Javaris were actually trying to lobby for Washington to bring back the “Bullets” name. Isn’t that why they were pulling guns on each other in the locker room?

  • snowfish

    Did he use Lakers twice? I agree. A for effort, F for execution. Tried to be funny but wasn’t…except for the Cleveland Parlimentarians..haha.

  • http://clutchfans.net Robb

    This is the shittiest ‘post’ I think I have ever seen on Dime… wow.

  • http://myspace.com/40sand9s Loc



  • http://yourboychise.blogspot.com Chise

    The idea was fresh, new, fun, different… I commend you for that much. I won’t comment on the actual substance of the article for fear of being dubbed “a hater”.

  • matt

    the utah jazz should be renamed the salt lake bees. the name is owned by a minor league team in slc owned by the jazz organization. the bee and beehive are special in utah–on the state flag–symbolizing industry. the yellow and black colors are awesome, too.

  • control

    I’m normally a guy that is conducting the hate train, but this was actually amusing in a few spots. I sort of felt I was reading an article by Jurg or alf, but it was kinda funny.

    Sacramento Johnsons and Phoenix Canyons? Watching porn when writing this eh?

    New Jersey has to be “Jersey Shores” and Bawstin has to be “Boston Douchebags”. Minny can be “The Minny (pronounced Many) Point Guards” and Cleveland can be “Cleveland Ronin”, they lost their lord, and will wander around until they commit seppuku.

  • johnsacrimoni

    New Orleans Jazz
    Memphis Blues
    Utah Grizzlies
    OKC Bison
    Charlotte Flight
    Washington Press

  • johnsacrimoni

    And Minnesota should just be the Wolves. Get rid of the Timber.

  • Mo

    Stolen is what happened to the Sonics, not the Hornets. Hornets were practically pushed out.

  • Matt

    Worst. Thing. Ever.

  • lester

    Some lines were actually pretty good and entertaining i gotta admit. But the lack of research made this a very poor one.

    How can you say the “Bullets” were a “one of the best names” ever? Abe Pollin, longtime owner of the washington franchise who died last year, changed the name from bullets to wizards.
    His reasoning was to make a political statement against the steadily increasing crime rate in the capital city with plenty of murders in the late 90′s. He didnt want his franchise to have a name that euphemizes the use of fireweapons and so on, how can you call that namechange bad?

  • amanh

    this is one of the worst posts i have ever read. the worst post. just stop writing. just stop. absolutely horrible.

    dime i expect more from you. if you guys are that desperate for articles let me start writing, to save everyone from this kind of BS.

  • BlackSuperman

    this was, well, informative (nice way of saying dumb as hell)… NJ Nets should be the NJ Snookies (they some wore out pussies), the LA Clippers… LA Lakers’ practice squad… Phoenix Suns… Phoenix La Raza, given the state’s ‘identity crisis’… LA Lakers… LA Labias… just don’t like them punkasses… CHI Bulls… CHI Bullshit… Utah Jazz… Utah Jackoffs… BOS Celtics… the Chappaquiddicks (Kennedy legacy)…

  • Orange

    got a lol when i read Chicago, Milwaukee, and Sacramento.

  • That’s What’s Up

    I still like:

    The Portland Blunts
    The Utah Crackers
    The Atlanta Strippers
    The Dallas Implants
    The Oklahomos

  • That’s What’s Up

    Da Portland Kine

  • That’s What’s Up

    San Antonio River Rats
    The Houston Humidity
    The Detroit Foreclosures
    The Washington Gun Charges
    The Phoenix Phaggets

  • JJ

    Hating is for fags… Meaning you own or frequently ride a Harley… Go Jorge!

  • Mess

    I realize this was an opinion article, but learn your facts man.
    1-The Lakers were named so because Minnesota is known as the land of 10000 lakes, not the Great Lakes.
    2-The Nuggets were named because of the Denver gold rush in the 1800s, hence the “gold” nugget.
    If your going to write an opinion, that’s fine – everyone’s entitled to one. But, for crying out loud, a website like this should do a little fact-checking before posting any little tidbit of an idea someone might have. Where do these writers come from? You’d think someone working in the sports industry might know a little more facts about the field they work in than a casual fan like myself.

  • ShowKase

    Yo Dime, what ever happened to CGF?

    This article was…lame. Just being real. Probably would’ve been funnier if yall made it into a readers contest where we got to make our own submissions. Some of the comments are more entertaining than the article. Oh well…

  • TL

    Seattle Suicide – If they were still around.

  • Kudabeen

    @ post 47

    I like where you are going with the names.

  • http://uoregon.edu sans

    i feel really, really, really fucking stupid after reading that entire list of nonsense….i passed it up a few times, then its mentioned in smack…fuck…my eyes are trying to run out of my face from reading that….and from how bad they’ll be, cal em the Toronto Mounted Upon…

  • http://www.slcdunk.com AllthatJazz / Amar

    This kid is really silly, or looking for a quick laugh without any actual research. Chicago bulls and bears are economic terms. A clipper is a sailing ship. I could go on, but why bother.

  • Curt G

    To quote a famous basketball broadcaster:
    “That’s turrible!”