Andrew Bynum (photo. Jeff Forney)

As much pain as Ben Wallace‘s swollen ankle may have caused him while sitting at home Tuesday, his eyes would have been hurting more had he watched League Pass last night. Big Ben, Gary Payton, Bruce Bowen, Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutombo, Mookie Blaylock — anybody who’s ever made a living shutting down NBA scorers would have cringed at some of the comical “defense” on display … In Denver, the Suns showed up for about 15 minutes before the Nuggets started shooting holes in their D like a game of Duck Hunt. The Nuggets announcers admitted there was a “weird feeling” in the arena with the Carmelo Anthony trade drama hanging over everything, and yet ‘Melo was the only guy on his team who wasn’t sleep-walking in the first quarter. (Although it’s tough to blame the others for losing focus when half the roster doesn’t know where they’ll be living next week.) … Denver’s porous defense made Marcin Gortat and Channing Frye look like Kevin McHale and Robert Parish as the Suns flirted with a 20-piecing early, but then the Nuggets woke up and steamrolled to a 132-98 victory. J.R. Smith‘s alley-oop cram on Gortat’s head during their initial second-quarter run was really the last time we heard from him all night … Meanwhile, the “Leave Carmelo wide open” game plan didn’t work out so well. ‘Melo finished with 28 points, while Arron Afflalo had 31 points … Goran Dragic at least showed some fight. He was trying to knuckle up with everybody from Kenyon Martin to Ty Lawson. We haven’t seen a guy dodge a beating like that since Joshua Clottey decided to go turtle-style against Manny Pacquiao … In D.C., the Wizards and Kings both decided defense is overrated. In Washington’s 136-133 overtime win, Nick Young scored most of his 43 points on wide-open jumpers, while Francisco Garcia (26 pts) turned into George Gervin for a night and the Wizards blew an eight-point lead in the final minute of the fourth quarter … After Pooh Jeter capped the comeback by skating past John Wall (22 pts, 9 asts) for a layup to force overtime, the Kings remembered in the extra frame that they weren’t supposed to be guarding Young, then Kirk Hinrich hit the dagger on a pull-up jumper … And then there was the St. Varejao’s Day Massacre in Los Angeles. Nobody expected the Cavs to go into the Lakers’ gym and win, but nobody thought they’d get molly-whopped by a count of 112-57, a.k.a. 55 points … It was like a training camp scrimmage for Kobe Bryant and Co., with everybody taking turns getting buckets. Andrew Bynum (15 pts) led seven Lakers who scored between 10 and 15 points, and nobody took more than 12 shots … On the other end, the Cavs’ offense operated with all the fluidity of L.A. rush hour traffic. Alonzo Gee led Cleveland with 12 points off the bench, and Ramon Sessions was the only other guy in double-figures as the team shot 29 percent from the floor and 1-for-14 beyond the arc. Chris Webber said the Cavs need to trade for Diana Taurasi, and suggested they’d get competition more on their level from the UConn women … Other stat lines from Tuesday: Ray Felton put up 17 points, 14 assists and 3 steals to lead New York past Portland; Danny Granger scored 27 points as Indiana beat Philadelphia; and Manu Ginobili went for 19 points, 9 rebounds and 6 dimes in San Antonio’s win over Minnesota, while Kevin Love posted 20 points and 20 boards in the loss … In that Wolves game, which was on their home court, the team got five techs in the third quarter — Darko, Corey Brewer, K-Love, and two for Kurt Rambis — all from the same referee. Dude was stealing the show like Leslie Nielsen in Naked Gun … We’re out like Hawks/Bucks …