As the NBA Playoffs rapidly approach, we here at Dime want our readers to be prepared for the postseason. To accomplish this, we assembled a definitive panel of experts including your high school coach, the 40-year-old guy at the park (who’s still got next, by the way) and your girlfriend. These authorities have given us exclusive information on all four of the first round series. Use this guide to make huge wagers on your team of choice, unless your team of choice is Atlanta.
The Bulls-Pacers series is a study in contrasts. One team is led by the presumptive MVP and is finely fitted with specialized players who know their roles and excel in them. The other team leads the league in white forwards. Most people don’t seem to be giving the Pacers much of a chance, as if being out-skilled at every facet of the game should somehow factor in to these things. It should be noted, however, that the Pacers aren’t necessarily playing for a championship. Their primary focus has always been securing a draft position where they will be able to draft Kyle Singler.
40-year-old guy at the park: (Fanning self with wife beater) Derrick Rose? Taught him everything he knows, man. Yeah, Derrick and me, we tight. Matta fact, that boy wanted to be a SOCCER PLAYER….’til I talked some sense into him. I was like, Derrick…son, you need to believe in yourself. You could be in the league someday. Then I taught him my patented J (shoots three-pointer, airballs)
Bitter Pistons fan: Let me tell you something about heart. Neither of these teams have it. You know who did? That’s right, baby—2004 Bad Boys. DE-TROIT BAS-KET-BALL! That was a team of destiny, baby. LINDSEY HUNTER!
Your girlfriend: (points at Jeff Foster on television) He looks like one of my teachers from high school!
The Heat enter the postseason with heavy expectations. It appears that at some point LeBron James left Cleveland and signed with Miami, and apparently this was kind of a big deal.
Spurs fan: I like Philly in this series. You know why? Because you can’t just buy championships, that’s why. Sorry, LeBron. You had your chance in 2007, and you ran into THE. MOST. UNDERRATED. TEAM. EVER. We didn’t ever have a friggin’ “Heat Watch” on ESPN. You know what? We didn’t need one. That’s okay. Timmy feeds on your apathy.
Your high school coach: Don’t get me started about the 76ers. Me-ball. Me-first. Someone better tell that Albert Iverson that there’s no “I” in “Team”. You know, Mo Cheeks wouldn’t have put up with that. Cheeks was a winner. Are you listening to me, son?
Bandwagon Miami fan: HEAT IT UP, MY NINJAS! I love the playoffs! We’re taking this one TO THE HOUSE—I feel it. LeBron is doing his thing, Wade is doing, um, his thing, Bosh is doing…his thing… And you just watch—our bench will come through! We’ve got, uh, that guy with the tattoos. And that European guy—the big one! And the guy that makes the long shots, what’s his name?