NBA / Jun 9, 2011 / 11:00 am

Dos And Don’ts Of Courtside Seats

We’ve seen it far too often in the NBA. Corporate elites married to their BlackBerrys occupy the best seats in the house, relegating the beer-drinking, obnoxiously chanting fans to the inaudible back corners of the arena. At first it brought tears to my eyes, watching the heart of the NBA, the fans, being pushed away from the action. But now that it’s an undeniable facet of every NBA arena, we have to accept it.

In Game 4 of the Celtics-Knicks series, I had the honor of sitting in the third row thanks to a lucky, last-second invite. To this day, I’ve never heard the Garden louder than that afternoon. But those who sat near me nearly ruined the moment because there’s a certain fanhood etiquette that was ignored. After strolling in with my John Starks jersey, Knicks shorts and blue and orange shoes, I felt like Chris Bosh. Disrespected and uncomfortable. No one else besides my friends were wearing Knicks garb, let alone the orange Knicks shirt handed out for free to all fans at the gate. When Paul Pierce flopped to the ground, I offered to bring him a wheelchair. To which the guy in the suit sitting in front of me turned and said, “What does that mean?” When Anthony Carter, of all people, threw the Knicks’ rancid carcass over his shoulder and sliced the lead to four, someone else uttered, “Who the hell is this guy?”

Game 3 of the NBA Finals was no different. When Mike Miller dove into the stands to save a loose ball, he crushed an entourage of suit-wearing, uninterested observers. When J.J. Barea got knocked back into the first row, it spilled the drink of a fan onto the court, causing an extended delay. And in this moment, Jeff Van Gundy touched on these clear violations of courtside decorum, demanding that no fan so near to the court possess an open liquid container. So that got me thinking: What are some others dos and don’ts of the sought-after courtside seat? Here they are:

1. Heckle, heckle, heckle
We’ve all been there – fans screaming hilarious insults that ultimately fall on deaf ears because the court is too far away. As much as someone would like to ask Juwan Howard whether his goatee is older than J.J. Barea, it can’t be done unless the seating is appropriate. In the front row, you have that distinguished honor and opportunity. So don’t blow it. Don’t give me one of those run of the mill, “You suck, Player X.” Reference something dumb he did, said, etc. Whatever it is, just make it clever.

2. Engage the refs in a positive manner
Remember that the refs can negatively affect the outcome if they feel like it (see the Joey Crawford/Tim Duncan relationship for proof). Instead, partake in some playful banter. If they don’t respond, leave it alone. Don’t be the ***hole who pissed off the refs. If by the end of the game you have determined that they performed less than admirably, feel free to unleash your full arsenal of Tim Donaghy jokes after the final buzzer.

3. Don’t start chants
You’ll just look stupid. Leave it up to the drunk people behind you. Your surrounding brethren will not follow your lead, trust me. You’ll just be that raving idiot who won’t sit down and shut up. Not a good look.

4. Never take a bathroom break
Even if your bladder is about to explode. If you come back during play, you’ll enrage the crowd. And don’t forget about the trickle-down effect. If it’s not the front row, you’ll force everyone to stand up to let you through. People already hate you for having better seats, so don’t abuse the privilege.

5. Don’t carry an open drink
Bring a bottle top with you. Seriously. Or at least chug it when you get it. The point is, don’t interrupt the game for millions. Your soda (well, I would hope that it’s a beer) is not more important than an NBA game. Sorry.

What are your dos and don’ts of courtside seats?

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  • silky

    if you are a gold digger, at least flash your tits once… don’t let the cheerleaders hog all the attention

  • BigStick

    Stay out of the game workers’ way! I’ve worked for several teams and when you’re trying to dodge the dancers and t-shirt cannons to deliver stats to the announcers table, it’s even more annoying to wind through courtside folks who are sprawling their legs out, hobnobbing and waving their Thunderstix in your face…

  • heckler

    dont ever (ever, Ever, EVER, EVER-EVER) start (or participate) in the crowd WAVE

  • http://www.dimemag.com panchitoooo

    i always thought the the court side seats have the biggest ability to stop or delay the game. during game 4 of this years finals Wade stepped up to the free throw line and you could tell he was tired and neeed a little break before he tried to hit both clutch free throw to tie the game. if i was a Heat fan in the front row i would have purposely dropped my drink on the court so Wade could have a little more time to re-focus himself and hit that last free throw to tie the game.

  • http://www.dimemag.com panchitoooo

    and if you catch a loose ball going out of bounce just dont give it to the ref, take the long 3 pointer from where ever your seated. if you miss it then you’ll be on SportsNation, if you make it you could earn a spot on the Top 10

  • Clownfish

    Is that Anthony Mason just to the back-right of Will Ferrell?

  • MattO

    @clownfish

    yeah I think that’s him, good eye…and I think that’s brooke shields next to ferrell and rosie perez next to vincent chase, I mean mark wahlberg..

  • Mikey F Baby

    Remember the Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry injures Shaq lol

  • http://www.dimemag.com panchitoooo

    @heckler

    you got to participate in the stadium wave, if you dont then people are going to think youre stuck up and not their to have a good time.

    the wave is as american as the national anthem at any sporting event…

  • 2cents

    @silky is on the money. i mean why else get work done if you aren’t going to flash the “cash”.

    this is actually a really good article and points to the ridiculousness of the ‘business’ the NBA has become. its the fans who buy the jerseys and go to every game religiously that has made it a billion dollar business. where is the reward for their dedication and passion for the game?!?!?!?!?

    give the suits their glass encased suites up near the nose bleeds where they can watch the game on a TV and give the court side seats to those that bleed the home team’s colours.

  • GipTheClip

    my 2cents is the same as 2cents’ 2cents.

  • SoulChorea

    I’ve always wanted to get seats just behind or right next to one of the team’s benches. I’d show up with a friend, both of us in a full suit and tie, and we’d bring clipboards. Every timeout, I’ma stand up with the team and act like I’m taking notes and drawing up plays. The entire game cats would be like “who ARE these dudes??”