I have a question.
What are your thoughts on “Squirrel Week?” Would you watch it? Yes? Maybe? It would be a week long special; 24 hours a day, taking a look into the lives of squirrels. Episodes would include their characteristics and behaviors, along with the different species of squirrel and their indigenous roots. What they eat and where they live, as well as the origin of their name and where they were discovered. Squirrel experts would weigh in, breaking down the squirrel family tree and their various rodent relatives; similarities and differences – explaining what makes each species of squirrel so unique (I can’t believe I just typed that).
The answer is no. No one would watch this show. “Squirrel Week” would be worse than an episode of “Rizzoli and Isles.” It would be a ratings disaster. A networks worst nightmare. A catastrophe of XFL-like proportions. But there’s a reason no one would watch “Squirrel Week,” and it’s deeper than just, “who gives a s— about squirrels?”
No one would watch because squirrels eat acorns. No one would watch because squirrels are scared of ice. No one would watch because squirrels suck.
That’s why no one would watch.
Now, if Squirrels all of a sudden quadrupled in size and became a dog-eating-child-snatching-neighborhood-executioner, then people would watch. 35-pound squirrels leaping out of trees, chasing down bikes, ripping through fences – now that’s a show (you know you’d watch). See, we Americans like violent entertainment. It’s as simple as that. Put on a violent movie and we’re completely encapsulated, like a dog with a chew toy. Why do you think the five highest grossing Xbox 360 games are all rated “M for Mature?” BECAUSE WE LIKE VIOLENCE!!!
Having said that, this is a basketball website so my squirrle-slasher must come to an end. But in the honor of “Shark Week” and their underwater extermination, here’s a list of the ten best “kill moves” in the NBA.
10. Ray Allen Corner Jump Shot
Not the most physically imposing “kill move,” but technically the most deadly (worth three points). When Allen spots up in the corner, sets his feet and readies his hands, you might as well just put it in the book. The Boston sharpshooter needs little to no room to get off his jumper. But he’s not one dimensional – possessing the ability to hit shots on the move as well as fading away. Allen is a sniper and prefers to do most of his work from the corner. Take your eyes off him for just a second and it’s three points on the board.
9. Kevin Durant Rip Through
Definitely the most inventive and creative of the “kill moves.” Durant uses the defenders on-ball pressure to his advantage, ripping the rock up through the defenders out-stretched hands as he attempts to shoot the ball. This action automatically creates a shooting foul and the possibility for a three-to-four point play. Not only does this move consistently send Durant to the line, it gets defenders in foul trouble thus alleviating the pressure applied on him. Kevin – you’re so clever.
8. Derrick Rose Floater
Tony Parker’s move, but a Derrick Rose modification. Once Rose gets into the lane – no matter which direction he’s facing – his quick trigger allows him to get off the floater whenever he wants. Because he’s rarely squared up on his drives, defender have trouble anticipating when the floater is coming. And with Rose’s elite athleticism and superior leaping ability, the shot is almost impossible to block.