Smack / Aug 26, 2011 / 12:00 am

What If Michael Vick Were…

Derrick Rose

Derrick Rose (photo. adidas)

What if Charles Barkley could be quiet? The world would end. The Chuckster may not be in NBA 2K12, but he’s still letting his voice be heard one way or another, mentioning on the “The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN 1000 that he doesn’t think Derrick Rose should go overseas and play. Actually, Barkley doesn’t think any great player should do it. It’s too much of a risk, and the incentive to actually make a move like that isn’t large enough. Plus, they do things over there like cut off goat heads for good luck. That sounds troubling. Barkley isn’t telling everyone no; He almost encouraged younger guys who don’t have a lot of money at stake to head overseas. It’s just he thinks the elite of the NBA are making a huge mistake if they do … Speaking of the Bulls and Derrick Rose, Dwyane Wade reiterated what millions of people have already said or have been thinking for the past 10 months: the Bulls need a second offensive creator. We would make some suggestions, but it’s just that this is probably the 50th time this issue has come up. No team in the league has had a more talked about weakness than the Bulls’ starting two guard woes. No offense, Keith. Chicago didn’t make a move at the deadline (it came back to bite them). Will they finally man up and make something happen before the playoffs start this season? … Seriously though, who won the fight? Steve Blake or John Gilchrist? And why is it that everyone always laughs over stuff like this, saying “No basketball player can fight.” People, none of us can really fight. Unless of course, we are boxers, UFC fighters or something of the sort … Coming up in the new issue of ESPN the Magazine, there is another article on Michael Vick and the race issue. Even though it was forced, and kinda irrelevant at this point, the article wasn’t what received attention. When it was posted online yesterday with the headline “What if Michael Vick were white?” and a photoshopped picture of a person that was supposed to be a white Vick, all Hell broke loose. That wasn’t even the end of it. First, they took down the photoshopped picture and put in an actual one of Vick. Later in the afternoon, they made him white again. Make up your mind! … So Twitter turned into an all-out “What if?” frenzy. Some of our favorites: What if Michael Vick was an actual eagle?…What if David Stern were black?…What if Barry Bonds were white?…What if Alex Smith were good? What if Michael Vick…were made of BBQ spare ribs? And check out this tweet from @MDP23: White Mike Vick’s Madden speed is below 70 and he is now referred to as a “gritty” runner. Classic. White Mike Vick looked like a cross between Brian Austin Green from 90210 and Kenny Powers during the second season of Eastbound & Down … This is what Al Harrington does during the offseason: punch reporters in the face. He gets a pass though. With all of this free time, Harrington has been in the gym doing mixed martial arts … The NBA just doesn’t feel the same without DJ Mbenga. We miss him. Lakers fans undeniably miss him, and he’ll probably never make it back into the league. He was just cut from a Belgian national team that has little talent, and his go-to moves were described as “turnovers and missed layups.” Kevin Ding of the Orange County Register says his favorite Mbenga moments were when he conducted an interview in the locker room with a female reporter…who was sitting on his lap. Then, he also recalled a time Kobe Bryant spoke with Mbenga on the phone, and literally had no idea what the big man said … And Dwight Howard hired a man named Ed Palubinskas as his free throw shooting coach (he’s better known as the “Shooting Surgeon General”). Great to know Superman is working at it … We’re out like the white Mike Vick.

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  • http://www.geturweightup.com Chicagorilla

    They should do an article on

    What if Jay Cutler had Balls instead of a Vagg

    What if Shaq actually cared about basketball

    What if Dirk played defense

    What if Rose was 6’7

    What if Lebron actually cared about basketball too

    What if Will let me smash Jada

    What if I got to bump uglies with Serena Williams

  • Balla

    Jon gilcrist won the fight. Blake stole him unexpected and was more aggressive, but he damn near got dropped after gilcrist’s punch landed.

  • http://www.geturweightup.com Chicagorilla

    What if Steve Blake threw a combo instead of the one hitter

    What if John Gilchrist wasn’t such a punk

    @DIME/SMack writer

    I hear what you are saying in that most people don’t know how to fight. but there is a difference in not KNOWING how to fight and not WANTING to fight. Gilchrist back peddled like he was Darrelle Revis!!!

    When I lived in the hood, most of the people i grew up around were pretty decent fighters. Shit we had to be. And watching these ball players fight, you can tell they ain’t from the hood or they never had to fight growing up. Which makes me ask the question why are they always acting so tough if they don’t know how to fight? The mean mugs and tattoos, and tough guy talk is all good until it’s time to back that shit up.

    You don’t have to be a professional boxer to be good at throwing hands with the avg person. Kenyon Martin and Charles Oakley are two of the best fighters the NBA has had and they aren’t pro boxers.

    also, UFC is gay. they don’t fight, they just grapple on the ground, dry humping eachother until someone gets tired or busses a nut. shit is extra gay. get up and throw hands like a man.


    What if Austin Burton was gay?


    What if Jordan was gay? I can’t imagine myself being BLACK!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7Er5TsQrGg alf (from melmak)

    There is a yellow one
    That won’t accept the black one
    That won’t accept the red one
    That won’t accept the white one
    And different strokes for different folks

    I am no better and neither are you
    We are the same whatever we do
    You love me you hate me you know me and then
    You can’t figure out the bag I’m in

    Back to basketball. Here is my what if with Derrick Rose — What if he was with Utah Jazz?

    Without knowing how Utah would reshape the team with its tons of cash (This might change depending on the new CBA) and only basing on its current roster, here is how they would look.

    Rose,Gordon Hayward, CJ Miles, Derrick Favors, and Al Jefferson as its starting unit and with Devin Harris, Paul Milsap, Enes Kanter, Alec Burks, Memo Okur, Jeremy Evans, and Raja Bell as its bench.

    I have bias towards the Jazz but I bet even Rose would be giddy if he was with that team.

  • beiber newz

    beiber newz here, with no fear
    derrick rose yea, with no beard
    dwight howard power, michael vick shower
    not a black coward, mbenga eating chowder
    getting fired holmes, hurricane home
    moving out quick, call me mike vick
    shuffling out the pocket, like a gun i cock it
    eyes are out your socket, bitches know i got it
    racks i got a plethora, call that shit etcetera
    living so i’m deading ya, niggas call me referor
    boy i mean referee, you living like you money-free
    sipping on some clover tea betta take ya talent overseas
    bet i run america, fool you just inferior
    you pussy in interiors so im smacking your exterior
    real gangsta shit, come and flip a brick
    whip it real hard, it’s wrapped it paperclips
    and i’m taking trips, with a russian bitch
    ass so fat, i call it mississipp
    that’s a city bitch, mississippi hoe
    platinum chains gripped, and i’m rocking gold
    so i’m out man, camera swooping hard
    boro looking tuff, wrote this in my car
    lamborghini boy, that’s my little toy
    off to spain hoy, if you going voy.

  • Scott

    You forgot about hockey players … hockey players can definitely fight


    I agree man, only players who need the money should risk playing overseas.

    Bogans is a solid bench veteran, not a starting SG. The Bulls need an offensive threat who can defend also. Afflalo, JR Smith, Courtney Lee… its not like they’re lacking options.

    I don’t think a Wade/Rose combo would be good, they’re too similar and the Bulls would be too light up front.

    Nobody won the fight, it got broke up.

    I can fight, I’ve trained fighting and live in a rough area where a lot of angry idiots live. Those who can fight generally don’t get into stupid fight because they don’t feel the need to prove themselves. I hate fighting in the street/clubs it makes me feel like a moronic thug… but I’m not going to let somebody make a mug of me.

    Blah, blah, blah “What if Vick were white” blah, blah blah we’re too concerned with skin color, its ridiculous.

    If Vick were white but all his life experiences were exactly the same he’d be exactly the same.

    The Harrington thing was blatantly fake and made for comedic effect… come on now people.

    Basically I agree with everything Chicagorilla said…. BESIDES MMA being gay. Why is it gay? There is nothing homosexual about it, THAT is just how a person effectively fights. If people see something gay in a MMA fight then maybe they actually have to consider the fact they might be slightly gay. I have to admit the first time I got in someone’s guard it felt a bit odd… but then as soon as training started all that goes away. No one in training is uncomfortable about it because we’re all comfortable in our sexuality, I would even roll with a gay guy… that shit wouldn’t be sexual for either of us… its training.

    And since when has it been okay to be a homophobe anyway?

    I’m out like shaking your interviewers hand after an interview cos he might think you’re a fag.

  • Chaos

    Harrington caught that reporter with an ill straight right to the grill. hilarious LMAO

  • Balla

    Steve blake is from dade county where back in the late 90’s about 80% of the kids fought for no reason. If you are from Dade you know what I am talking about. The thing is, just because you fight and know how to fight, doesn’t mean you are good at it. Same concept with playing basketball.

    Gilchrist probably didn’t want to fight cuz he was a freshman and was scared of getting kicked off the team.

  • http://www.zwani.com/graphics/funny_pictures/images/88funny-pictures128.jpg JAY

    “And why is it that everyone always laughs over stuff like this, saying “No basketball player can fight.” People, none of us can really fight.”
    ^ Yup. Non-fighters just grab, and pose in fighting stances they’ve seen in movies.

    I once saw some dudes go at it outside a club. (I’ll call them Stan and Crank for this story) Two white dudes, Stan was about 6’2″ 210, Crank was a bit shorter, around 5’10” but probably weighed as much. I’m not sure what happened to get them going but I heard Stan and Crank barking at eachother. Stan walks toward Crank and grabs his shirt. Crank shoves Stan away from him. Crank wasn’t interested in fighting and his girl was holding his arm and warning Stan that he will get hurt. Stan gets into some hybrid Karate Kid crane style stance mixed with Thai boxing…. and starts yelling “LET’S GO!!” Crank didn’t want to fight but Stan kept yelling, asking for it. Girl keeps warning Stan, so Stan says, “Bitch, shut the fuck up”…

    This is when it got interesting.

    Stan didn’t know Crank knew Capoeira, and neither did anyone else. Stan begins to throw blows at Crank. Crank starts doing that Capoeira footwork and pretty much dodged every punch Stan threw. He grabbed his arm, in a Steven Segal fashion, turned him around and ran him FACE FIRST into a wall. Crank yelled at the top of his lungs into Stan’s ear, “I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOU! I DON’T KNOW YOU AND YOU DON’T KNOW ME! NOW YOU KNOW ME!! I COULD RIP YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF IF I WANT TO. YOUR JUST A PUNK! TASTE THE WALL, PUNK!!”. Then starts to rubs his face on the bricks.

    Stan… “Sorry man… i… i… i… didn’t know…” *whimper* *whimper* “I’m sorry…”

    Crank let him go, and that was it.

    Moral of the story, if you can’t fight… don’t. You’ll either get your ass whipped by someone who can actually fight, or you’ll look like 2 bitches going at it… and when it’s posted on youtube, every comment will read “he punches like a girl”.

  • http://www.zwani.com/graphics/funny_pictures/images/88funny-pictures128.jpg JAY

    Cosign iCARNACKi re: MMA fighting.

    That shit ain’t gay. Nothing sexual about it. If it was in mud or jello, then yes, gay for sure.

    Two women MMA fighters ain’t sexual. They are brutal! Two women fighting in jello = sexual.

  • http://www.cracked.com/funny-353-kobe-bryant/ Atom

    Blake went from zero to crazy in about .5 seconds but earned a lot of respect from me. Almost makes up fo rhow miserable he was in the playoffs. Actually, it really doesn’t but I still like the aggression. Before he just looked like a serial killer, now might really wonder if there aren’t some unlucky drifters in a crawlspace or something.

    And Dime, as far as “none of us can really fight. Unless of course, we are boxers, UFC fighters or something of the sort,” that is a pretty ridiculous statement. It is like saying that only NBA or euroleague players can really play basketball. Only a finite number of people can be professional athletes so just because you cant make a living doing something doesnt mean you cant do it.

  • jdizzle

    @ JAY that story kinda reminds me of that video of Roger Huerta beating the shit outta that big black dude. BTW what the hell is up what picture of the dice? Is that an optical illusion cuz that shit is nuts lol

    DJ MBenga may not be in the league anymore but at least he has the greatest 1 second in YouTube history:


  • Otto

    White Micheal Vick looks like Adam Morrison’s bastard child.

  • s.bucketz

    if vick were white he woulda raped a girl in a bathroom last off season and got away wit a 4 game suspension that would later be reduced to 2 games..smh

  • s.bucketz

    and yo…MMA is mad gay..there is nothin not homosexual about 2 dudes in short shorts rollin around the ground together…if i saw 2 dudes scrappin on the street like that i wood jus kick both of them in the head and call it a night

  • s.bucketz
  • Big Island

    General rules of thumb. 1) The more a guy yells and wants to fight you, the less fighting ability he actually has. 2) Do not fight a guy with cauliflower ears.

    I was in a bar a few years back in Huntington Beach and Tank Abbott wanted to fight me. It was after a Hoop-It-Up tournament. I think I could’ve gassed him out, but if he caught me, lights out. And I don’t care who you are, you do not want to trade hands with Kimbo. The dude is not that big, but twice as athletic as you’d think.

    Answers to Chicagorilla:

    What if Jay Cutler had Balls instead of a Vagg – Still a bitch.

    What if Shaq actually cared about basketball – Undisputed GOAT

    What if Dirk played defense – He tries. Better question is what if he had quickness/strength etc…

    What if Rose was 6’7 – Lebron, Shmebron.

    What if Lebron actually cared about basketball too – Wouldn’t matter if Rose was 6’7″.

    What if Will let me smash Jada – You’d be Marc Anthony

    What if I got to bump uglies with Serena Williams – I would shake your hand and buy you a drink.

  • http://www.zwani.com/graphics/funny_pictures/images/88funny-pictures128.jpg JAY

    The only way MMA is gay is if one dude gets a hard on while grappling. I’m not sure how choking, and punching until some dude blacks out, or gets bloodied is homo… I’m not sure what type of nookie some of you guys get, but damn! That gives a whole new meaning to “use protection” .

  • Big Island

    I’m gonna battle Beib.

    What if Chicagorilla got to bang Serena
    What if I got to play with Dirk’s wiener
    I’d probably not let yall know that I did it
    Who’s kidding, I’d brag that he hit it
    I’d take Lebron’s car over Durant’s
    Beib would ask for a ride, I’d say that I can’t
    I wonder if I go to far with my love for Dirk
    A problem? Nah, it’s more of a quirk
    I’m an idiot, errone knows in herrr
    I once compared my dick to Steve Kerr
    I’d shout out to F&F and JAY
    But they want nothing to do with this rap because it’s gay
    I’m a stupid white guy, what can I say
    I don’t have much of a choice but to rhyme this way
    I wish I could flow like Redman or Ghost
    or even Jada, Em, Nas or Mos
    But I suck about as bad as Diddy
    Or Puffy, Puff, whatever, we’re shitty
    My girl said fix the pool cover, I’m on it
    so guys, I have to end this and submit my comment
    and don’t think it’s Dan Tanner or the imposter who’s rhymin
    I can assure you all, I’m the real Big Island


  • Dan Tanner

    Big Island can rhyme, you have my heart big man, you have my undivided, tender sexy heart!

  • Big Island

    Thanks Dan.

  • http://www.geturweightup.com Chicagorilla

    LMFAO@ Big Island

    You a fool for that one.

    Also to answer you MMA supporters, Jay, ICar and the rest

    Yes it is gay. Call me homophobic or whatever, but thats just a way of masking the truth. two guys in the missionary postion for 3min rounds is gayer than Little Richard and Elton John in the sequal to broke back mountain.

    Sure there are instances where there is actual punching, but 99% of the fights end with someone grappling the other person into a weird submission. That’s not fighting, that’s wrestling. MMA is just a pro version of college wrestling.

    Also, putting someone in a submission/sleeper hold doesn’t mean you won the fight. all you did was prolong the ass whooping you’ll receive when he wakes up.

  • First & Foremost

    @Chicagorilla – They call MMA “fighting” for marketing purposes. Like any other sport it is a competition to see who has the better technique. Unless you go around chewing rubberbands or day old gum, you have a weak jaw. So would you rather put yourself in a position to be knocked out or test the other fighter’s ground game?

    MMA fighters tapout to save their body parts. In a real fight, nothing stops them from breaking your leg or arm or choking you until you die. Besides, if a person is put to sleep with a choke hold, how in the world is he suppose to stop the other person from then proceeding to stomp him out? “All you did was prolong the ass whooping you’ll receive when he wakes up.” Yeah, and he’ll also be wondering, “who the fuck broke my leg while I was sleeping?”

    Relying on just your fist or feet is like relying on only your jumpshot in 1-on-1. Wrestling someone into submission is like having a post game.

  • http://www.geturweightup.com Chicagorilla


    You keep believing that MMA-wrestling BS all you want. But nothing gets your ass whipped quicker than ducking your head and trying to get to my waist.

    You can say having a “ground game” is like having a post game, but while you’re trying to be a practitioner of all trades, i’d much rather be a master of one.

    I try to watch MMA, because I love the art of fighting, but that shit ain’t fighting. I don’t know what it is, but it ain’t fighting. They called it Mixed martial arts, but it all ends with wrestling. So it clearly isn’t mixed anything, it’s another version of wrestling with 3 or 4 punches thrown in

  • First & Foremost

    I can’t stand watching it either for those reasons but… just like in a 1 on 1 tourney you have guys who can shoot lights out or dribble with the best of them, who end up turning their back and backing down their opponent. Dudes can jump out of a gym but end up grinding it out for a game that consists of 17 jump hooks.

    It is mixed because you can use any form you want. Guys who only know how to do one thing don’t have long careers. If Floyd were to step into a cage not many would stand a chance with him using his quickness. However, get him on the ground and now he has to dodge. His entire orientation would be thrown off. For every fighting style there is a style to counter with, which is why it ends up the way it does.

    Look at Kimbo, feared for his punching but got tagged on the nose.

    You can be a one trick pony if you want to. It is safer on the ground. People can’t get their whole body into a punch, not much room for devastating kicks, so you wait for a submission. Getting knocked out can always be questioned. “Oh… well… he just caught him with a fluke kick.” When you tap out, there is no question about it. You fucking quit!

  • beiber newz


    big island , you don’t want none.

    here goes:

    Big island started war, so now come and get it
    it’s beiber newz here, so you can forget it
    your rhyme i read it, one word, pathetic
    bet it, to the top is where i’m headed
    talking about dirk’s dick? i hope you regret it
    cause that’s foul, like d wade when he howls
    wow, would you like to buy a vowel?
    yea, and i aint even done yet
    i beat you in this race and i aint even run yet
    you aint having fun yet? battle til the sun set
    your bitch gon ask, beiber newz aint won yet?
    she got no faith in your bitch ass
    cause you ditch class for dirk’s big ass
    7 footer, one thing, kobe’s gooder
    i mean better, brutha know where to put her
    put him in his place, no taste, erase, one shot, to the face, replace, no tapes, get laced, full court, new york, new place.

  • Big Island

    Dammit, ok Beiber, here goes.

    Sitting on the sofa, gf spying around me
    Beib in the smack, straight trying to clown me
    I won’t even blink, in fact it’s damn adorable
    And just like your name, Beib, your raps are horrible
    Chicagorilla, F&F, arguing MMA
    neither one gives a fuck about what we say
    and I talk about Dirk’s dick, but that don’t make me gay
    I think it’s pretty funny in a homoerotic way
    And Beib, I hope there is a day when I can actually meet ya
    but I just heard a knock at my door, gotta go get my pizza.


  • beiber newz

    of course your fat ass needs the pizza
    you ain’t pass class cuz you ate the teacher
    my knockout punch will have your mom seeing preachers
    buying caskets and roses, but heaven won’t reach ya
    God gon block your soul to the bleachers
    cause you talking homo shit, i aint in that feature
    you sucking dirk’s dick, i call you a leecher
    which is why i wouldn’t meet ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya
    wouldn’t wanna see ya, i fuck twins like tia
    sister sister, do your research, mama mia
    drama see-er, i bomb like a beemer
    ride clean like a cleaner, you a dick like a wiener
    sipping henney, just a tad, buck20 in the jag
    gucci is my fad, you wear payless and some rags
    sad, it’s bad that your dad got mad at the pad
    said you was a joke, you aint nuthin but a gag
    killed you in this battle, but i aint use the mag
    no brag, you whack, sucking dick then you a F*G

    at your funeral,

  • http://www.geturweightup.com Chicagorilla

    Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell is going on here? Why is there so much talk about the German schnauzer?

    You two are going to make Delonte West come on this forum and smash the both of you, then have your mothers Head south for the West. This rap shit is not a game son! Try Delonte if you want to.


    Everyone thinks they will knock someone out if they try and take them down… until they get taken down and choked out.

    Fact of the matter is; if takedown D was so easy every MMA fight would end in a knockout standing up.

    In a street fight; I’m not gonna arm bar someone LOL. I’m just gonna take them down, put all my weight into their chest and rain elbows down on their face. It doesn’t matter if you’re hitting me, you got no power from the bottom. Not that I want to be fighting in the street. I’m just saying, if knocking people out standing up was the most efficient way of fighting then we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. You can think you’ll stop a takedown as much as you want but you won’t.

    As for choking someone out only increasing the ass whooping you get when they wake up… you have obviously never been choked out. When you wake up you have the IQ of a retarded 4 year old… trust me. Chances are (as long as the guy isn’t a douche) if you get choked out by an MMA/Jiu Jitsu guy in the street, he’ll sit next to you and help you when you wake up and don’t know where you are… it will be a humiliating experience for you but he’ll help you not get run over when you wake up.

  • cesar

    ed palubinskas is the best australian player ever
    do ur homework, dime! at least google it

  • http://www.geturweightup.com Chicagorilla


    So you telling me there are a bunch of Jiu Jitsu masters walking the streets of Chicago, waiting to choke out the first person that starts shit with them?

    Of course there isn’t. Point being, ain’t no damn rookie or avg MMA fighter about to kick my ass. Not only would they have to be well trained, but they would have to be bigger and stronger than me.

    I think you are comparing what I would do in the streets to what I would do in an MMA fight. Why the fuck would i fight in the MMA and I have never trained for it? But if you put a real boxer in the MMA he would more than likely beat the shit out of everyone in his weight class because his mastering of punching far out weighs the jack of all trades MMA fighters. There is a reason you don’t see pro boxers doing MMA. They are true masters of an fighting style and I would take a master anyday over a studier of many art forms.

    since FnF likes analogies. This would be like taking one of the team flight brothers….lets say The Air Up There. A master of dunking. YOu put him in a dunk contest with Lebron. And he’d shit all over Lebron, who is a jack of many trades but master of none.

    I know what you’re thinking…. what would happen in a one on one? I don’t see a fight as a jack of all trades type thing. To me, the root of fighting is punching. It’s the initial fighting style that every one starts with from a kid. No one starts off a fight with a choke or grapple, it’s always a punch. Not some gay ass sweep kick to the leg. Give me the punch over any other fighting style.