DimeBag / Sep 28, 2011 / 1:30 pm

DimeBag: The Weekly Dime Mailbag, Volume VI


DimeBag (design. Ryan Hurst)

HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.

Another week, another DimeBag. This week the analytical mind settles the junk vs. trunk debate, addresses social norms for blind people and laments about the Nets.

Pat, Toronto:

When returning to your seat in the middle of a row during a game, does etiquette demand that you walk with your junk facing the people in your row, or your trunk? Maybe it depends on whether you would rather watch a bunch of supreme physical specimens running up and down the floor attempting to throw a piece of leather through a modernized peach basket, or whether you would rather scan the crowd above you for other types of physical specimen, knowing in your heart that you’ll see more to disgust you than amuse you? I’m obviously very confused.

Awesome question. Any time you can cram basketball and awkwardly intimate human contact into one coherent thought sequence, I’m impressed. Even more, you managed to successfully detach “junk,” from “trunk,” two normally inseparable entities, so well done again. Alright, enough uncomfortable gushing.

Ultimately, this needs to be broken down through gender to appropriately address all situations. The key here is not necessarily whether you prefer to watch basketball or the other idiotic fans – it’s about the seated guest’s comfort. If they wanted to punch you in the face and attack you, there’s literally nothing you can do because once you enter those inexplicably narrow rows, you’re trapped.

Before we get started, let it first be noted that if you side-step back to your seat during the action, everyone on your row has the right to slap you across the face and kick you in the nuts – so be forewarned.

Let’s operate under the assumption that the majority of fans are male – a fair one, I think. If you decide to face the crowd, you’ve essentially decided that each guest must endure your junk for at least two seconds – and there’s nothing they can do about it because it’ll be at eye level. So their only response is to sit up, lean back, contort their faces awkwardly and diffuse the situation immediately after by pretending it didn’t happen. Or, as per my rules, thrust their knee upwards – which, due to the insane proximity, would be an indefensible maneuver. As a row-walker, you’re playing with fire. And as Spiderman taught me, with great power comes great responsibility. Then there’s the whole female thing. If dudes can’t handle the eye-level junk shot, imagine how the girls would feel. So if there are more than a few girls in your row, moral law forbids you from facing the crowd.

Now let’s flip it around – what if you’re a girl re-entering your row? Guys want to look at your backside, frontside, sideside, wherever. But even though it’s a lose-lose, there’s a lesser of two evils. If you face the court, you’re leaving your ass exposed. Which, for the thousands of creepers out there, is ideal. But for your sake, turn around. No one’s going to poke your bellybutton or touch your crotch, especially when you’re six inches away to see it. But if you’re turned around and your visibility is diminished, who knows what will happen. So for safety’s sake, turn around.

Jeff, Milwaukee:

Last year I went to a Bucks game with my son and a basketball, hoping some of the players would sign it pre-game. Because I’m an idiot, it got confiscated at security. At first I was pissed and didn’t get why they’d take my basketball, but then I realized people could just chuck basketballs onto the court mid-game. So, if you could do just that, in what situation would you do it?

I thought about this for a while, and realized most of my ideas would result in horrific injury, the wrath of a 6-foot-something, 200-something-pound jacked dude or a stoppage of play and me being without a basketball anymore. That is until I concocted this implausible scenario. You know how LeBron and Wade went Brady to Moss on Indiana with this full court alley-oop? I’d just replace Wade. Granted I’d be sitting behind the basket and would have replaced my slightly flabby tendinitis-ridden right arm with Peyton Manning‘s cannon, but still. If LeBron took off with his head down, maybe I could just chuck it with supreme accuracy and pray he wouldn’t notice the ball change. I think that YouTube video would top one million hits in under a day. “Random white guy throws alley-oop to LeBron, LeBron celebrates by tossing him his game salary, three quarters.” Either that or I’d roll the ball under Bruce Bowen‘s feet after he rises for a corner three just so he can know what it’s like. And then, while he’s writhing in pain due to his high ankle sprain, I’d take my other basketball and chuck it at his face. Double win. Where is this Bruce Bowen hatred coming from, you ask? From here.

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  • http://www.dimemag.com Aron Phillips

    These are seriously getting funnier and funnier every week. We need to get Larry David to send in a question.

  • First & Foremost

    LMAO – “The End Zones”

  • danocasa

    Agree with AP. These are definitely getting better. I agree with the changing of team names after the organization moves, especially if the team name has to do with something specific to the former geographical (Lakers, Grizzlies, Hornets) or cultural (Jazz) location. I find it interesting that the OKC Thunder were renamed considering the SuperSonics name didn’t come from any Seattle specific, just the name of a defunct supersonic Boeing spacejet thing, because Boeing was based in Washington (Olympia, not even Seattle) at the time.

    /knowledge bomb

  • cheddarbob

    Junk/trunk is always a lose/lose… but maybe it differs for different sporting events?

    Asses just aren’t fitting for a prim and proper tennis match, though crotches seem to work – and I’m thinking the opposite for baseball, where you’d never want to risk getting clocked in the back of the head with a foul ball.

    Overall, impressive dimebag. Well done Dylan.

  • Me

    Wouldn’t the thunder have been a better name for seattle, what with all the rain? seems like they got a sensible name a lil too late.

    and LOL @
    “international prostitute smuggler”

  • GMC

    lol that that bruce bowen bit was awesome, keep it up