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DimeBag / Oct 19, 2011 / 12:30 pm

DimeBag: The Weekly Dime Mailbag, Volume IX

DimeBag

DimeBag (design. Ryan Hurst)

HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.

Another week, another DimeBag. This week’s edition discusses Velcro basketball shoes, Dwight Howard‘s comments and bringing the NBA to Pittsburgh. Enjoy!

Anthony, Texas:

I was buying a new pair of basketball kicks the other day when I realized something: Who came up with such a complicated laces design? I feel like there has to be an easier way to make your shoes stay on tight. And then when the laces are too long, you step on them and you have to tuck them inside your shoe, but they keep falling out. It’s really annoying. Anyway, what are your thoughts?

Velcro. That’s my singular thought. Every shoe should be Velcro, basketball shoes included. It would simplify your life. No more long-lace tripping, lace discoloration that ruins shoe color chemistry, awkwardly flopping laces while you run, difficult decisions as to whether you want to hide your laces underneath the tounge or leave them out in the open, etc. The list goes on. Velcro streamlines the whole process. Stick your foot in the shoe, Velcro it up. One side-to-side sweep and you’re done. But no, the fashion industry divas who wear garbage cans for dresses – or whatever the coolest new look is – decided Velcro was for five-year-olds only. Screw that. (I’m currently wearing sweatpants and a white t-shirt with hot sauce from lunch on it. AND I’m in a public coffee shop. So take that, fashion devils!) Convenience/comfort should beat out “style” every time. (Alright fine, I probably should change my shirt.) But it doesn’t because some team of annoying fashionistas decided it wasn’t. I want to know who these people are. What qualifies them to choose societal clothing standards? When did this shoe convention take place? Why wasn’t I invited? If they hated the Velcro ripping sound, fine. But you’re telling me that we can literally press a few buttons and send an invisible signal with a message to someone anywhere in the world (e-mail), but they can’t stop Velcro from sounding like 1,866 Band-Aids being ripped off at once? I don’t believe it. And the worst part is that no matter how slowly you rip Velcro, the noise level doesn’t change.

That’s why I hate fashion. It makes no sense. I was wearing my nice dress shoes a few weeks back and managed to smash my foot into a chair and scuff up the right one. Luckily I was still in my house so I could somewhat repair the damage by rubbing off the mark with my thumb. As you probably guessed, that method of shoe repair is highly ineffective. So I went off with a scuffed shoe, and someone at a party later that night, who I didn’t even know, remarked that I had a huge “thing” on my shoe. Great. I had to be embarrassed. But why? Shoes are on your feet. Your feet smell and are generally vacuums of sock threads, sweat and random hairs. Then there’s the sidewalk, your apartment floor and who knows where else your shoes touch. But no – you have to keep them clean. Because if you don’t the fashionistas will smite you with their thunderbolts of stylish sweaters and gelled-hair that’s supposed to look “messy.”

Point of note: My only knowledge of the fashion industry comes from the runway scene at the end of Zoolander. That and The Devil Wears Prada. Yep, I’ve seen that movie. Twice.

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  • http://www.dimemag.com Aron Phillips

    This is hilarious. Even when I do know things an “insider” would know, I have nothing to say when randos ask me about the lockout.

  • http://deleted dagwaller

    Pittsburgh doesn’t deserve anything, first of all.

    Second of all, that’s not an NYC problem. That’s an everywhere problem. Try living somewhere that doesn’t even have a metro! Then 2.25 will get you part of a cab ride somewhere, and you’ll have to walk 60 blocks.

  • First & Foremost

    @Dagwaller – What do you mean? Are you mad the light rail goes in a straight line? Are you mad your buses are NEVER on time, even when it is early in the morning? What about being 8 years late to get a smart trip card or buses that go what route is convenient to the driver? Or what about the brand new speeding camera on 695?

    You failed to mention that the cab ride somewhere drops you off at an equidistant spot to where you first started.