DimeBag / Oct 27, 2011 / 12:00 pm

DimeBag: The Weekly Dime Mailbag, Volume X

DimeBag

DimeBag (design. Ryan Hurst)

HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.

It’s DimeBag time. The 10th edition, in fact. Pretty exciting stuff. So much so that the DimeBag proudly presents its newest feature: NBA Fight of the Week.

I have zero interest in watching NBA stars compete (and I use that term lightly) in meaningless games with a final score of 282-267. Basketball is only fun to watch when people give a crap. I’m sick of hearing about Kevin Durant dropping 55 points in games with high scores. I’d hope he scores that much, especially when defense is optional. Remember the All-Star Game, that thing that touts the NBA’s best and never fails to disappoint? Exactly.

Instead, I’d rather concoct unfeasible scenarios that call for endless speculation and unwarranted rigidity. Those are my favorite moments, when someone obliterates your opinion with the “loud screaming and authoritative dismissal” technique, as if volume is proportional to knowledge.

“Are you kidding? You’re an idiot if you think LeBron is better than Kobe. AN IDIOT. And don’t tell me otherwise, because your disagreement automatically disqualifies anything further you have to say. Therefore, I’m going to switch the subject and make fun of your sexuality or other deficiencies.”

Okay, let’s focus. NBA fighting. Along with your regular DimeBag submissions, send along NBA players that you think would matchup well in a fight. We’re talking about an enclosed space with nothing other than fists and desire. None of this Super Smash Bros. stuff where random objects appear – meaning, Steve Nash couldn’t just pick up a lead pipe and crack Ron Artest in the head.

Anyway, onto our first fight: Tim Duncan vs. Kevin Garnett

Why did I pick them for the inaugural face-bashing contest? Because this would be the most hilarious fight of all time. No doubt Garnett has the swag, demeanor and rage for some physical encounters, but Duncan’s no slouch. And he’s crafty, too. He never succeeded in the NBA due to supreme natural abilities – he’s just a master of technique that outthinks his opponent. I’d expect something similar here, with Garnett swinging wildly and Duncan on the defensive. And then, when the opportunity presents itself, Duncan would come with the jab straight to the nose, followed by the knockout hook. Or he’d just kick Garnett in the knees a few times.

Then again, Garnett’s rage might be too much. Clearly he plays with a chip on his shoulder, but imagine how he feels about Duncan. He had a great coach, great teammates, and great luck (Never faced a juggernaut in the Finals: New York, New Jersey, Cleveland, Detroit.) Meanwhile, Garnett enjoyed the likes of Sam Cassell, Stephon Marbury, Ricky Davis and other chemistry-destroying forces. Then he got to Boston, got his championship, and was happy. But Duncan had it all during his prime, while Garnett only had one season of complete team health (Perkins tearing his ACL in Game 6 counts; Gasol doesn’t dominate Game 7 with Perkins in the lineup.), when the stars were potentially aligned. So this is a revenge fight at its core. If there were refs, this would be in Garnett’s favor even more, since every ref in the NBA secretly hates Duncan. Honestly, the guy must have been the biggest tattle-tale as a child. “Moooommmmm, Kevin said not nice things to me.”

But even though I hate Duncan more, (I respect their games, but my random personal bias sometimes just gets the best of me), I’m picking him to win. He’s too crafty, too conniving and too saavy to lose.

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