Featured Gallery, NBA / Oct 3, 2011 / 1:00 pm

The Dime Lockout Survival Guide

Josh McRoberts

Josh McRoberts Rookie Card

When my wife found me I was laying on the floor. I was curled in the fetal position, wearing my replica 2004 Olympics Argentina basketball jersey. I had laid all my Josh McRoberts rookie cards in a circle around myself, like a protective force field.

“Josh?” I called out.

My wife was understandably alarmed.

“Josh who?”

“Josh McRoberts! You’ve come for me! I knew you would, J-Rob!”

That’s when she flipped the light switch.

“No!” I screamed, crawling under the bed. “The light brings the owners! Turn it off! Donald Sterling can feel the heat — he has the senses of a moth!”

My wife had seen enough.

“We need to get you some help,” she said lovingly.

And then she hit me with the truth: “Sweetie, there’s not going to be a season this year.”

*** *** ***

In hindsight, I guess I knew it all along. We’ve been through this before. In 1998, owners and players locked out for reasons no fan cared about, drew battle lines around issues no fan can remember, and then congratulated themselves with much fanfare when a compromise was reached. Thanks, guys.

As for my breakdown, I’m doing much better now. I sought professional help and discovered that a full, happy life can be possible without an NBA season. After the editors at Dime bore witness to my recovery, they asked me to pen a comprehensive guide to surviving the lockout. With that in mind, let us begin our journey of hope and healing. You are not alone, friend.

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  • http://www.dimemag.com Aron Phillips

    This is hilarious!

  • http://deleted dagwaller

    This was funny.

    When I got done reading it, though, I went back to the opening.

    “Sweetie, there’s not going to be a season this year.”

    I’m going to keep hoping, but…yea.

  • JH

    Nice read…

  • Sean Sweeney

    I have a Nerf hoop that’s been sitting in the corner of my room for like 2 years…need to get on that… vivid memories of dunking on that thing as a kid.

  • yourdribbleizcookiez

    NO! The light brings the owners!
    lol, that’s funny fam. good piece

  • cesar

    wtf lol uhauhauhaa

  • https://twitter.com/#!/djlocdog Loc

    I just feel depressed,

    Nerf HOOP?

    Im still in denial, like, it will happen…it will happen….

  • stefan

    very very funny! great article. hard to top, so be careful!

  • JDish

    Awesome funny. It brings some relief to the lockout.

    The last one is good, but why not also work to get a Mini Basketball League started in your city. Get a couple of guys together, watch a few of those videos of those teenagers dunking on a 7.5 ft high rim, get all the basics down about what you need, and get a few games started. It would be interesting, and it can turn into a hobbie/project type thing.