Josh, Baltimore:

Maybe it’s just me, but I overrate players in real life based on how good they are in video games. So, is it just me?

I do the same. Ray Allen is pretty much the greatest player in NBA history. Every time I watch the Celtics, you have no idea how many times I’ve smacked the left trigger for a crossover to no avail. Crap, Ray, you can only dribble in NBA 2K12. I’ve also created myself on multiple occasions, been the starting shooting guard on the New York Knicks and led the team to multiple championships. D’Antoni still hasn’t given me a call. Doesn’t he see how cool my left elbow armband and high socks are? Even virtual-me is obnoxious.

But television is worse. It has permanently altered my perception of reality. I was on the subway and a man dressed in a suit entered the train, holding a briefcase. Immediately I assumed it was a bomb. How come all movie/TV briefcases explode? And because I’m a self-centered jackass, I immediately scanned my recent memory for people I pissed off. You know, because the guy in a suit holding a briefcase intended to kill me, but was covering his tracks by feigning something else. And then of course I had Jack Bauer fantasies, diving at the briefcase, disarming the suspect and chucking the briefcase just far enough down the train tunnel to avoid any deaths. And then every girl would want to go out with me. NO HAIRCUTTER LADY CAN RUIN THIS ONE.

That’s all for this week. Check back next week for Volume XV.

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