5 Moves Allen Iverson Could Learn From Kenny Powers

We saw a few people joking around on Twitter yesterday that Allen Iverson is sort of morphing into the NBA version of Kenny Powers. For our socially inept readers, Powers is the profanity-lacing, jetski-riding, beer-drinking-while-he-drives star from HBO’s popular show, Eastbound & Down. Now with reports linking a team in Puerto Rico with Iverson, the comparison is a perfect fit. In the second season documenting Powers’ on-again, off-again baseball comeback, the most hilarious character on television spent some time creating “highlights” for a pro team in Mexico called the Charros.

So the comparison makes perfect sense (and it’s too funny to think about): two over the hill former stars that you either loved or hated attempting to rekindle the glory years by taking the road less traveled. Iverson wore out his welcome in the NBA by refusing to come off the bench and accept a diminished role. Powers wore out his welcome with pretty much every person in the world outside of Stevie. Both have had their share of highlights over the years, but I’m hoping we haven’t seen the last of Iverson (We are getting us some more Kenny Powers VERY soon).

So what does Iverson need to do to make it back? Here are five Kenny Powers’ moments that he definitely needs to replicate (and these aren’t safe for work by the way):

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5. A Training Video To Make Owners/Scouts Salivate
Why hasn’t Iverson’s team gotten on this already? We all know his talent is still there. It might not be at the level it once was, but a banged-up, older version of the former MVP still needs to be good enough for someone right? Scouts and general managers need only see that Iverson still has what it takes to count $1 bills and beat up lawn gnomes. So my advice: cut a DVD like this with a provocative title (“Allen Iverson Doesn’t Practice Basketball, It Practices Him” would work) and then seal and ship it out in mass quantities to every team/organization in the NBA.

4. Get On A Radio And Make Your Intentions Known To The World
Inspiring. Iverson need only change a few of the words around – his name for instance, and “professional baseball player” to “professional basketball player” and perhaps the swearing too – and he’d make us all yearn for the Answer to return once again. It doesn’t necessarily have to be on radio, or even in an elementary school somewhere. Iverson could go bigger, and longer too. Hopefully though, he remembers to properly dedicate it – as Kenny did here – to whomever plays the April role in his life. Make it be so epic that the only thing anyone can say by the end is “Where the f— is that dude going? It’s still first period…”

3. Stage An Epic Dance Off, Challenging All Comers
“If you won’t listen to my words, then listen… to my dancing feet.” This one should be easy. Iverson’s always been able to dance. The owner of the greatest crossover in NBA history danced through the NBA so smoothly for 914 games that he made a whole lot of people fall (and memorably made Antonio Daniels eat the floor twice on one play). But this is slightly different. What do you think Iverson’s style would be like on the dance floor? Like this? Perhaps more like Ben and his dice roll from Knocked Up. Or just maybe, Iverson’s got a little signature head nod like the one from Night At The Roxbury. The avenue to a country’s heart is through dance. Hopefully Iverson knows this.

2. Announce Your Presence In Dramatic Fashion
What better way to announce your return to the game of basketball than to don some shades, slick your hair back like a late 1990s college basketball coach, rock aligator-skinned boots with a skull face belt and go into elementary schools throwing up offensive hand gestures? Okay, maybe Iverson needs something slightly less over the top than this, but if attention is what he’s trying to attain than attention is what he’ll receive doing this. When Kenny did it, no one batted an eye. But they won’t leave Iverson shadow dancing in a hallway. If Iverson does this anywhere in the world, I’m sure there will be more than a few kids clamoring for his autograph.

1. The Best Intro Ever
This tops anything I’ve ever seen, even better than The Macho Man‘s epic intros. Replace the uniforms with some basketball trunks, the field with an arena and Rick Derringer‘s “I Am A Real American” with Jada‘s “Knock Yourself Out” and Iverson would be onto something. The fireworks can stay, and so can the finale: that gymnast move Kenny makes where he almost loses his balance and falls over. Come out to a celebration like this and AI might even be able to top Deron Williams and get his jersey retired after one game. You can’t find someone who won’t laugh when they see Sebastian Cisneros up in his box screaming “Yeaaaah!” like a drunken Usher.

What do you think? Should Iverson go play?

Follow Sean on Twitter at @SEANesweeney.

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