10:19 ET: And now for the best part: THE SLAM DUNK CONTEST WARM-UPS! Where no one actually dunks! Derrick Williams was actually practicing lay-ups. That’s not a lie.
10:25 ET: I’m guessing Paul George does – at worst – 2.7 Dominique Wilkins dunks. It’s a good thing the Human Highlight Film is in the house. He was rocking a carmel-flavored/colored suit by the way. Swagged out.
10:29 ET: Extra points for the White Men Can’t Jump routine from Chase. Big ups to our man, and also Diddy for throwing a great alley-oop despite being smashed. But then Jeremy Evans followed that up with dunk that caused boos to rain down pretty harshly. The crowd was not impressed with his simple reverse lob.
10:34 ET: Okay, Paul George nearly just broke his hand on the rim jumping over a 7-2 guy. Even Mary J. Blige was impressed. That was awesome.
10:37 ET: Tweet from J.R. Smith: “By far the worst dunk contest I’ve ever seen!”
10:42 ET: There’s a guy to my right who is booing the s— out of Budinger’s second dunk, which was basically a plain windmill. We feel bad for these guys. What do people want out of them? To come spinning out of the sky, dunking nine basketballs at once?
10:44 ET: After Evans’ double-dunk, T.J. Ford tweeted this: “Dunk Contest the worse I’ve seen.. #disappointed.” Damn. A lot of hate going on in the NBA. Someone call T-Dub.
10:46 ET: Paul George just recreated Vince Carter… and no one could see it. Damn you props.
10:53 ET: Receiving constant stat updates are a big help when you’re a credentialed media member. But tonight, they are seriously passing out “statistics” … like okay, this dude took four shots to make one and he missed two bounce passes before getting one. There are a lot better things to keep statistics of, like perhaps the ratio of NBA players to groupies in here tonight.
10:57 ET: So now we’re down to shouting out Karl Malone and honoring Larry Bird in dunk contests? I never thought I’d see the day. Paul George then went out and missed about five dunks in a row. Actually, come to think of it, honoring Larry Legend with a bunch of missed dunks makes sense.
11:02 ET: Annnnd the dunk contest ends as only this one could: with a ton of missed dunks. Derrick Williams came out to do a dunk (off-the-glass, between-the-legs) that I’ve seen him do easily before, and couldn’t get one to go down. On the other end of the court, Benny the Bull was crawling around, smashing his head against the floor. When a mascot is clowning you, it’s time to wrap it up.
11:07 ET: The fans have spoken: Jeremy Evans is your 2012 NBA dunk champ. Even though this thing kind of sucked (and Paul George kind of got robbed), we feel good for Evans. Yesterday at the media session, he had maybe four journalists around his table. Then to rub in how bad this thing sucked, they had street dunker Kenny Dobbs help present the trophy. He was the best dunker in the arena BY FAR.
11:09 ET: Alright y’all, I’m done with this thing for now. We’ll resume tomorrow night for the All-Star Game. Bring your friends then so I don’t feel so lonely and neglected. For now, it’s time to go bang out a little more work. Then, I’ll head off to an All-Star party to have too much to drink and recite bad pickup lines. Peace.
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