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Smack / Aug 4, 2014 / 5:45 pm

Brian Scalabrine Pens “I’m Coming Home” LeBron Parody For Boston Return

Brian Scalabrine

Brian Scalabrine (photo. CSNNE.com)

There aren’t many role players with the following of True Ginger-American Hero, Brian Scalabrine, which is why many of his fans in New England lamented his move to become a Warriors assistant coach. After being demoted to the Dubs’ D-League outfit by dictatorial former coach Mark Jackson, Scalabrine announced in a CSNNE.com exclusive today he would be returing to Boston’s broadcast booth again. His announcement doubled as a fun parody of LeBron James‘ “I’m coming home” essay for Sports Illustrated.

The tongue-in-cheek essay does briefly touch on his fractious relationship with Jackson, as well as his stops in Chicago and Golden State. It mentions his move from Boston to Chicago in 2010 after winning a championship with the C’s in 2008 — however unlikely that might have been for Scals.

The 27-year-old Scalabrine also mentions the creation of the White Mamba moniker in Chicago before his hysterical 30 for 30 documentary. In total, Scalabrine’s essay is about as glorious as Scalabrine himself. Here’s a large snippet of his beautifully written prose:

I went to Chicago because of Tibs and D-Rose and the crazy energy of Joakim Noah, and it was my only job offer in the states. I loved becoming an everyday customer at Giordano’s Pizza, the free meals were back. I loved the fans and the creation of the White Mamba by Stacy King. Chicago was exactly what I needed and I believed we could do something magical if we came together. But we fell short. So I took my talents to Golden State searching for their championship and I really believed we could do something magical if we came together. But then I was sent down to the D-League where we flew to Hidalgo, TX on commercial flights with no first class sitting next to a 7’2” center named Ognjen Kuzmic. There was nothing magical happening down there, no matter how much we came together. And that’s when I knew it was time to come home.

I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted…and gather some great press based on another recent NBA signing…in almost the exact same way. I don’t want anyone thinking: He and Mark Jackson didn’t get along … The Bulls and Warriors couldn’t put the right team together … Does anyone really care what Brian Scalabrine is doing right now? None of these things were true. And for the record I never played for the Warriors, I was just a coach, didn’t people see me holding my clipboard. I don’t understand why people couldn’t put it together, I was holding a clipboard, I was a real coach.

[…]

My goal is for the Celtics to win the most titles of any other NBA franchise, and I will not sleep until we are done. No question.

[…]

In Boston, nothing is given. Remember in the movie The Departed when Francis Costello said, “No one gives it to you. You have to take it.” That was a great scene and a great Boston movie.

I’m ready to accept the Scallenge. Boston, I’m coming home.

God Bless Brian Scalabrine, and congratulations on your return as a broadcaster for Comcast SportsNet New England. They’re lucky to have you.

(CSNNE.com )

What do you think?

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  • jtrain23

    Gotta love White Mamba. This guy was fearless on the court, and realized how much of a gift he had received in an NBA career. He has taken nothing for granted as many of the over coddled stars today that have always been surrounded by people boosting their ego and never had to truly struggle for what they have (btw that comment isn’t necessarily directed at LeBron). This dude really gets it. “I was holding a clipboard. I was a real coach.” Hilarious. I love people who know how to not take themselves

    By the way, not to be critical, but Scalabrine is 36 years old.

  • The Worm 91

    27? he’s 36! and this is really hilarious